Raging Bull

Well kids I feel like I am giving you "woman on the verge" blogs these days. I am hoping they are better than nothing. I am experiencing the worst shingles outbreak of my life. It has literally taken over my brain and I feel like a cow with "turning disease". That is when a maggot crawls into a cow's ear and infests in its brain, causing the cow to turn around in eternal circles until it drops dead. The fact that they even have a name for this is odd. But it is no joke, I learned about it in 10th grade biology class. In fact it is probably the only thing I remember from 10th grade biology class. But mine is more "crazy lady disease" and does not involve maggots. So I have barricaded myself in my apartment and medicated the incessant sobbing down to a dull sniffle. I am trying with all my might to not let this flare convince me life is hopeless and there is no point.

I have always been brutally honest and raw in this blog, for what is the purpose if I am not? I am sure it is not hard to find bloggers intent on forced happiness or cheerful attitudes, but I have discovered not many Fibro patients are happy or cheerful all of the time. I have not sugarcoated the hell this journey has been or how frustrated I am with the pathetic response Fibromyalgia patients are met with from the world at large. I have been quite vocal that through heaping amounts of hard work and determination I was able to drastically improve my quality of life. And I am the first one to tell you laughter is without a doubt the best and most sane way to survive this illness.

But today I don't have that hope, that laughter, that song in my heart. No matter I still must keep going because as we all know the show must go on. That is life, that is being an adult, right? Well right now I say phooey! I am angry and mad and feeling very sorry for myself. I get so frustrated with healthy people and their petty problems they think are huge. Or watching them screw up their lives completely of their own accord. I would give my eye teeth to have their health! I get so mad at the person I was and life I lived before I got sick, hating it so I don't have to feel the pain of missing it. Oh happy and healthy where are you? I feel like you are a wayward teenager. You don't come around very often and when you do it is dramatic and rushed. So yes for today it is "Bitter, party of one!" over here. Whatever, I can give it a few days. But it will be interesting to see if I find myself better in a few more, and skipping down the path of hope and happiness once again. I always have every other time before.

Thanks for joining,

Leah