Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Another May 12th Passed

Monday was Fibromyalgia Awareness Day. For some reason this extremely important annual opportunity seems to habitually find me...not ready. Considering I spent the better part of the last two weeks falling apart and trying to put myself back together, May 12th once again flies past my woefully unprepared face with barely a blink of acknowledgement. It's horribly embarrassing and guilt-inducing, considering I've devoted so much of my life to advancing the cause. Or more precisely, at one time I devoted much of my life to advancing the cause. Right about now, at this point in the game, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

My heart was in the right place when I started The Fibromyalgia Crusade. Sadly, my life is still trying to get organized enough to carry out oodles of un-actualized intention. Perhaps it's good today sits on the other side of one of the worst spells of self-annihilation I've ever put myself through. Today, right now, I am clearly convinced anger, self-flagellation, self-pity, and pretty much every other self-destructive impulse known to man, only screws up my life. More importantly, after indulging said upheaval 538 million times, I discovered I always survive. Then I have to spend epic amounts of effort and toil regaining my lost ground. Finding a way to ride out a flare without succumbing to such drastic, catastrophic emotional turmoil would be a better score than winning the lottery. Theoretically.

I don't understand my life. I know what made me a bitter, cynical, traumatized human being who is frequently rendered incapable of caring for myself. Knowing and understanding are drastically different levels of comprehension, however. The only thing I can lean on when faced with such gaping holes of purpose, clarity and direction, is my faith. Faith in God, the future, and not having to know all the answers. Faith that eventually my trials and tribulations can be used to make me a better, stronger, or more capable human being. And faith that Fibromyalgia Awareness Day will not always find me self-absorbed, unprepared and acutely overwrought. 

Thanks for joining,

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