Friday, May 30, 2014

A Leap Of Faith

Everything I've ever done that mattered in my life, at the time, was a stupid thing to do. Starting a romantic relationship with a college friend, a month before I graduated and moved away, wasn't the smartest maneuver I've ever made. Especially considering I spent the next six months in knots falling in long-distance love with said friend. When he impulsively gave away everything he owned and flew down on an airplane to move in with me, pretty much everyone we knew thought we were nuts. And we were! Never were it more obvious when we got engaged a month later, however. But the wildest decision came less than a year after our wedding, when we sold our car, took on rent proportionate to the GDP of a developing nation, and moved to San Francisco. Sadly the fun adventure stopped a few years later, when yours truly got sick. Suddenly, the world where anything was possible, with enough love, hard work and faith in the future, went dark. 

The last decade kicked the shit out of me so many times, I forgot how to live. Laughing, believing, taking risks, there was no room in my hallway of slamming doors for such frivolity. A severe and extended phase of fight or flight descended around us like a cloud of black smoke. Somehow, only by the grace of God, we endured. Now, I'm faced with another opportunity to do something stupid. And I'm terrified! In my unblemished 20's I didn't know how bad the world could hurt! I had no idea survival wasn't a guarantee, or how truly alone on the planet a person really is. Two months away from my  thirty-eighth birthday, I know all of that and so much more. But that girl, the one who KNOWS she can only achieve what she believes in enough to take risks for, she's still inside me. I guess after four years without any new health tragedies, she's starting to take over again. What dies harder than old habits?

I have no idea where to find the courage to take the massive leap of faith I must, if I wish to move my life forward. Trying to reconcile my fear against the success stemming from my impulsive youth is wearing this old woman out! Believing in a better tomorrow is a terrifying proposition. Never fighting for more than I have now, is worse. I'll admit it, I'm running around looking for divine signs every which way I turn my head. Something to tell me if I decide to take a flying leap off a sharp cliff, yet again, I'll somehow land on my feet.

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