It's amazing how such a redundant statement can be both so true, and so difficult to accept. What Is Is. However, it happens to be the only thing keeping me from spinning out of orbit like The Sun just released its gravitational pull on Earth. To live in a subjective state of reality is impossible for me. There is simply no way to reconcile the hurt, pain, unfairness, opportunity lost, destruction, devastation and misery the last eight years have caused me and those I love. Not unless I want to spend the rest of my life in the reconciliation phase. Which I don't, because it's a sucky place to be, stuck in the unrelenting and painful quagmires of my past.
I spent years building "freak out" neural pathways in my brain. For a long time after the strokes it felt like that's all there was. It's still my default, knee-jerk reaction to upset, stress or pain. Retraining those pathways to respond positively to challenging situations is hard work. I feel like I have to pick myself up off the floor every few days when those runaway "freak out" ones take over. Once that happens the only way to get back on track is to indulge objective reality. Which brings me back to What Is Is.
Freedom from the past is possible! Freedom from the present is possible! It is not a popular way to live and frequently challenges the fundamental basis of a person's relationship with others. But then again, disabled with crippling pain when one looks perfectly healthy isn't necessarily popular, either. By accepting the past as unchangeable, and the present as what it is, I have found I am able to focus on something I can improve and make better, the future! Any other attempt to calm my anxiety or dissuade my frustration is futile. It's too much of a mess back there to make sense of it. But I have blessings today that can grow into great and wonderful things tomorrow, if that is where I choose to focus my mind.
Thanks for joining,
Leah
