It's happening again. That feeling of victimized rage I spent the last few years stewing in. I feel it rising up inside me as I try and navigate my way through the outside world. Meet the minimum requirements of a successful existence. Manage my illness on top of it all. Me oh my, learning how to live life again is a much greater challenge than I anticipated. Despite my unrelenting insistence that today be a much better day than yesterday, it's not. I lost my cool on the way to another doctor appointment. This time it was at the mercy of my car's navigation system. It got me to the freeway exit okay, but failed to guide me to my destination. All I could see was one spot on one road, me, and everything else blanked out. No next turn...you went the wrong way...keep going this way. None. I cancelled and re-started it, whereupon it informed me I was too close to my destination to show it. Racing through mega-office complex after another did nothing. At this point I SATTOMLOL. Screamed At The Top Of My Lungs Out Loud.
Clearly something much bigger is stressing me out than being late to a few doctor appointments. But this much bigger only gets better if I do. If I don't give in to these fits of frustration. If I divert my attention from aggravation and only tend to the positive, doable and gentle. Otherwise everything falls apart. See this need to change my life, my outlook, my reactions, it's precipitated by the need to keep my life intact. Every time I go off course it's only a matter of moments before a massive reminder smacks me across the face. Change is mandatory.
I need to force this change. I need it to happen right, and I need it to happen right now. There is no time for a learning curve, gradual progress, one step forward and two steps back. How did my life get to such a breaking point? Become so fragile the thin little bonds of positivity I coax from sheer air are all that hold it together? For so many years all I did was slump deeper into the rabbit hole of pain, sickness and despair. It was a hard and ugly descent. Why is it so surprising climbing out of it is nearly as difficult? Many years of debilitating and life-threatening health problems have already cost me so dearly. Taken nearly everything away from me. Forced me to live a life my wildest imagination couldn't fathom. Now I find myself living in a fundamental state of existence. For it I don't, well, let's just say there is absolutely no way in hell I am going to let anything take the precious few I have left.
Thanks for joining,
Leah
