Monday, October 21, 2013

I'm Late, I'm Late!

So there I am, driving on down the road on my way to a doctor appointment, late and flipping out. Getting stuck behind two cars driving right next to each other, both going exactly 40 mph in a 45 zone, pissed me off. Hitting fourteen consecutive red lights convinced me of a conspiracy theory between the Arizona Traffic Commission and the owners of all gas stations. By the time I was circling the parking lot of my doctors office like a vulture looking for a parking space, already 15 minutes late to my appointment, I was crying. Yes I got mad at slow drivers and full parking garages and the grinding frustration of a trail of red lights, but mostly I was mad at me. 

That ugly thing called 'the truth' was inescapable. See I woke up with plenty of time but laid in bed playing solitaire and looking at the Groupon app for at hour. At least. After deciding both suck I was finally ready to face the day. I took my pups on a lovely walk, grateful for a beautiful day after the 24 hour triple-digit heat of summer sequestered us indoors for the last five months. However, when I got home I had an hour to eat and get ready. Yoga got shoved on the shelf of procrastination. At this point I started getting mad at me for wasting an hour of my morning frivolously. Even if the time to do something about it had already come and gone. So I flew out the door with enough time to get there, provided my 20 mile journey went perfectly, which it didn't. Lucky for me the receptionist was kind and I still got to see the doctor. 

What a pathetic problem to have in life. That's what I tell myself. Get it together, figure it out and stop whining about your lack of motivation and organization are frequently muttered too. Yet that inescapable feeling churns my insides, mocks my efforts and blooms abundant self-doubt. It's the darn clock I feel like I am racing against. Watching it fly far ahead of me as I scrape my shins on slick pavement, trying with all my might to keep up and accomplish everything I am supposed to. For the last few months I have narrowed my focus, ramped up my productivity and really resumed some of the standards I employed before I got sick. While things have improved around here it's just not enough. Today's frustration was a manifestation of that unmet expectation. Apparently I forgot the fundamental questions that inspired any progress in the first place. Is what I am upset about something I can change right now? If not, do I want to make a choice to spend time, which will pass anyway, indulging my emotions in a negative spiral or do I choose to focus on what is good?

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