Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The Dramatic Road To Nowhere

I literally told my husband last night, with the belief beating strong in my heart, that I could get a grip on my life and be successful. Not only are my expectations for success changing, but my determination to simply not engage in negativity seemed to be improving my attitude exponentially. So as I skipped merrily down the road of possibility and improvement of course I tried to change my behavior. The behavior that I blame the majority of my problems on. In my mind I romantically built up what a wonderful day today would be because of this shift of action. I would wake up when the sun was still positioned for morning, not noon, and engage in outrageously productive activities. My attitude would be calm and positive and I would be one step closer to living the life I want, not the one I have.  

Well my attempt to go to sleep a half hour earlier than I usually do resulted in the same frustrating outcome it always does. I couldn't freakin' fall asleep. I laid there feeling punished for trying to be good, which is far more frustrating than being punished for being bad. The sofa beckoned but wasn't any kinder to my extremely irritated 3 AM self. Of course once I finally drifted off to sleep my sick dog barked to go out. I convinced myself it was a dream and ignored him. Then my other dog woke me up an hour later tattle-tailing on her big brother. So which dog do I thank for stepping in crap and tracking it all over the carpet at 4:50 in the morning?

The familiar tantrum started to build inside. I felt like a victim, totally at the mercy of whatever the world wanted to fling at me. My romantic notions for a day of peaceful productivity laughed hollowly as it evaporated into thin air right before my very eyes. And then I said STOP. What is is, right? So I didn't sleep last night, hardly something to knock the earth off its axis. The internal battle waged fiercely inside. Future me screamed, "Don't react! Don't make this a bigger issue than it is! Accept reality without flinging drama all over the room!" Past me all but told future me to go to hell. But at this moment future me is winning. I calmed down and let go of my lofty expectations for today. And I reminded myself that the power is truly mine because the one thing I actually do have control over is how I react.

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