Well I am doing exactly what I promised myself I wouldn't do. Walking around the house wailing and freaking out like the walls are coming in on me. I am supposed to tell myself such a frivolous display of emotion is useless, counter-productive even. Then shove the unpleasantries from my mind and focus on the positive, accept my reality and only expect from myself what is reasonable. Fat chance my mind over matter is gonna work today, though, because I hit my wall. After two weeks of a very sick dog, multiple vet appointments, rounds of antibiotics, blood tests, antihistamines, more blood tests, x-rays, different antibiotics and spending the GDP of a third world country we have a diagnosis, Valley Fever. While the name may sound innocuous it's actually a horrible fungal infection contracted from inhaling spores in the dust that causes pulmonary pneumonia and lameness in furry canine babies. In extreme cases it is fatal, frequently chronic and life long, and all together awful. The treatment takes a minimum of six months and thousands of dollars. And I wonder why I am freaking out?
My husband looked at me with such pain in his eyes and asked why we couldn't just have a little bit of time between each crisis. Instead we roll from one to the next with the regularity of waves crashing to shore. Then he proceeded to freak out because sickness in those he loves pushes his PTSD button in the worst way. I told him we won't ever have time between episodes of mayhem. Just keep expecting them because there will never be a pause, break or reprieve. This is life for us, it just is. We can buckle, or we can enter permanent survival mode, keep going and do the best we can. Sigh. I suppose that's what bitter sounds like.
My logical mind is screaming in the background that we will all survive. More complicated, challenged and burdened, but my family will remain intact. What matters will still be. The conflict resides in getting my deeply ingrained patterns of reactive behavior to believe it. Not trashing my present because of perceived hardship or tragedy in my future. Amplifying the voice of reason loud enough so it takes over in times of stress. Which according to my future prediction is going to last the rest of my life. So in the spirit of progress I am putting down my tantrum. I am accepting the challenge in front of me and for once in my life instead of being mean to her, I am going to be nice to me.
Thanks for joining,
Leah
