Monday, September 23, 2013

The Walls Stand Tall

A month ago today I bottomed out. The negative, angry and depressive spiral I spent my days pinging around in for the last few years finally sucked me under. I didn't know how to carry on, snap out of it or fix the problems plaguing my body and soul. No matter what I did, how much pep I put into my self-pep talks or new angles I tried to approach my current situation with I couldn't overcome my burden. Whenever there was a small mile-marker of progress it was only a matter of days before a huge backslide shoved me so far past my starting point any good I achieved was wiped out like a sandcastle in a hurricane. The tireless, endless, fruitless journey that had become my life was simply too much for me to endure any more.

Yet there were still good things in my life. Wonderful, glorious blessings I was not only taking for granted but completely squandering, too. I realized how much worse I would be without my assets and decided to narrow my world, isolate myself from the responsibilities that were sucking me under and figure out how to get over my drama and move forward. My emotional ups and downs, aka raging mood swings, were destroying my family one prickly flare at a time. It was time to take my life back and not only was I ready, I simply didn't see any other option. Even the endless rabbit hole of despair has a cold, ugly bottom. 

It's surprising all this happened only a month ago, and yet I can hardly believe it's been a month already. None of my problems are gone, per se, but I am not living at their mercy in quite the same way, either. The biggest difference is the vice-grip of anger propelling me around like a crazy lady relaxed. Quieting the chatter of external demands and expectations was perhaps the most critical step. After a few weeks I was able to suss out my problems vs. the problems other people were either contributing to mine or expecting me to shoulder with them. A wonderful freedom came from allowing them to worry about their issues and my concerns to only concern mine. I didn't expect them to fix my life or approve of my efforts to do so! I also had the energy and strength to actually tend to mine. Every backslide has been met with a stern reprimand that said behavior netted me an unsuccessful reality and the future still has yet to be written. In other words get over my emotions and back on the train track of progress, for the only thing I can change hasn't happened yet. It's working. Slowly. Not a magic wand, quick fix or sweeping revelation. Just a lot more hope in my heart that getting my life back can be done.

Thanks for joining,