I stood in the bathroom today gripping the counter top with white knuckles, fat tears rolling down my cheeks. Those words I just scribbled in pink lipstick stared back at me in the mirror. What about me? I was besides myself with a newly tapped anger. Apparently that blog I wrote the other day about not self-sacrificing anymore due to my guilt about getting sick really stirred some things up. I was finding my power and it was...painful. See all the crap I have swallowed and times I have denied my basic needs for my husband's superficial desires hit the wall last night under the guise of high-speed internet prices. He wants the good stuff, I don't want to pay for it. This is not the first technology vs. humanity argument we have had in our marriage. My husband, well he likes technology. I have found that most men do. I, on the other hand, have very well documented issues I've ranted about in many a blog. So my effort to get back to living by reduce household costs, and get off the proverbial TV nipple satiating us since I got sick, was proving to be quite unpopular.
But where before I could roll my eyes, put up a mild fuss and go do something else, this time I was fuming in anger. Because this stupid argument represented every time I had not stood up for myself in the past. My oppressive guilt orbited me in a holding pattern of well justified self-sacrifice for years. But not no more! The beast had woken, she had stirred and she had roared. And she was taking no prisoners. So as I embark on a journey of meeting minds with my husband I can say I am grateful. He is ever the willing partner, never shying away from working on the success of our lives. And although not perfect he rises with me willing to conquer another day. However, I will be keeping my lipstick message on the bathroom mirror for a few more days. After all I think we could all stand to be reminded, what about me?
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