Thursday, February 2, 2012

What About Me?

I stood in the bathroom today gripping the counter top with white knuckles, fat tears rolling down my cheeks. Those words I just scribbled in pink lipstick stared back at me in the mirror. What about me? I was besides myself with a newly tapped anger. Apparently that blog I wrote the other day about not self-sacrificing anymore due to my guilt about getting sick really stirred some things up. I was finding my power and it was...painful. See all the crap I have swallowed and times I have denied my basic needs for my husband's superficial desires hit the wall last night under the guise of high-speed internet prices. He wants the good stuff, I don't want to pay for it. This is not the first technology vs. humanity argument we have had in our marriage. My husband, well he likes technology. I have found that most men do. I, on the other hand, have very well documented issues I've ranted about in many a blog. So my effort to get back to living by reduce household costs, and get off the proverbial TV nipple satiating us since I got sick, was proving to be quite unpopular. 

But where before I could roll my eyes, put up a mild fuss and go do something else, this time I was fuming in anger. Because this stupid argument represented every time I had not stood up for myself in the past. My oppressive guilt orbited me in a holding pattern of well justified self-sacrifice for years. But not no more! The beast had woken, she had stirred and she had roared. And she was taking no prisoners. So as I embark on a journey of meeting minds with my husband I can say I am grateful. He is ever the willing partner, never shying away from working on the success of our lives. And although not perfect he rises with me willing to conquer another day. However, I will be keeping my lipstick message on the bathroom mirror for a few more days. After all I think we could all stand to be reminded, what about me?

Thanks for joining,
Leah

3 comments:

  1. Good idea. I think I will start doing that. I've always put myself last, I find that is usually a common thread in Fibrates.

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  2. Royalene PermenterFebruary 3, 2012 at 3:37 AM

    AMEN !!!! SISTER: After being married two times the first time twenty three years the second going on twenty six years, I can say I could not agree with you more. Every word was oh my goodness she knows exactly how I feel. Love you and all of our fellow fibrates.

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  3. I remember that phase!!!! Up until JUST NOW I didn't know it was a phase! I just thought I was messed up and my husband was being neglectful of my needs (well that's what the counselor told me anyway). And so, I started to stand toe to toe....with a man who has been a law enforcement officer/chief of police for 28 years....and some of those standing toe to toe confrontations were WHILE he was in that very uniform with that gun on him (now mind you he's a gentle man) and that can be intimidating in general, but to a woman who was struggling to find her place in this world it was a HUGE step. And RAWR I did. And it left US so much better for it. SO MUCH BETTER!

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