"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."
Some family came to town this past weekend. We had fun, hanging out and catching up and laying by the pool drinking Moscow Mules. Oddly enough, as we relaxed and unwound, I was a bit surprised to discover I was not fighting with my husband. At all. Which was a bit unusual considering that has damn near become our default these last few months. As that tightly wound ball of stress, expectation and self-flagellation relaxed and unwound inside me I realized there was a marked difference in my perceptions and reactions. Because I was not stressed out! The more relaxed, and quite frankly myself, I became the more I noticed a massive disconnection from the person I am, and the person I have become. As the weekend ended we bode our fond farewell and came back to our life. I was determined to maintain this awareness and figure out how to change my reality.
But Monday morning came, as it eventually does, and I was horrified to wake up the same me I have been lately! My reality and expectation and stress was sitting there waiting for me. Nothing had changed. I just had a little break and wanted more. So of course I dived in head first, for that is what I usually do. But I whined all day about how my reality and me, we are stretched too thin! I am overcommitted. I am doing too much. How do I change this? What do I give up? These thoughts whirled around my head all day as I fought with my hand, arm, shoulder and neck to release the vice-grip of shooting pain they were paralyzed in, rendering me unable to type. I got so frustrated I just took a nap, knowing all this would be there for me when I woke up, but hopefully I would be in a better mood.
Finally I gained my perspective. I am stretched too thin, way too hard on myself and have too much on my plate. But I am not willing to give any of it up. I blog, am writing a book, proudly run The Fibromyalgia Crusade and of course admin The Fibromyalgia Fun House on Facebook. That takes up an awful lot of time. I am also a full-time housewife, puppy mom, patient and last but not least a girl that cares about my appearance. But I have to figure out a way to not be so uptight and miserable, stressed out and racing around getting nothing done because everything feels like it is crushing in around me. And finally the light bulb of my brain lit up and I realized how to do this. Keep my hands in all these honey pots without going completely nuts. I need to slow down! I can still do all of this, I can. But it's just going to take me a lot longer to get everything done. Back in the days of yore when I was in interior design school I learned clients want three things. Fast, inexpensive and quality. And any designer worth their salt would inform the client two are possible. Fast and quality? It's not gonna be cheap. Inexpensive and fast? Don't expect marvelous quality. And inexpensive with quality? Oh it's gonna take a long time. I, my friends, am okay with it taking a long time. I just need to go mediated now to re-learn to live in the moment, not spend today obsessing about what might happen three days from now.
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