Friday, January 20, 2012

Down The Rabbit Hole

I am sitting here trying to get a grip on my day, and therefore my life. I woke up grouchy and did not want to get out of bed. Yorkie sat one foot from my face and whined with a dopey expression on his until I finally did, though. Figuring if I was going out anyway I mine as well exercise, I forced myself to run. Then I came home and could feel the fingers of angry closing in over my grouchy. My frozen sacroiliac is shooting cold pain down my leg and radiating out my hip. So of course I get anxiety from the pain. And then I did something I have been begging and pleading with myself to do for a very long time now. I recognized I was standing at the top of the downward spiral I constantly seem to be on the verge of and stopped myself from diving in head first.

Maybe it finally resonated that I am not capable of pushing through a bad mood in the same way I am unable to just will away my health problems. Because that mood is usually the first symptom of a flare. The initial telltale sign I am in for days of misery, very soon. Every 34,593 times this has happened before I led with my heart. I got mad, cried, felt angry and frustrated. Then I would usually slip into self-pity, wondering why on earth life has to be so hard. Why did I get sick? With something so strange, to boot? Then I would look around at a house in complete disarray and know that even if I busted my ass and cleaned it from top to bottom it is not something I can realistically maintain. Next I usually start obsessing on my friends that are in the same or worse situation than I am in. And now, adding helpless to my basket of negative emotions, it does not take long to convince myself I am a terrible wife, fur-baby mom, daughter, sister and friend. And a complete and total failure at this thing called life because I was somehow stupid enough to get Fibromyalgia. And I'll be darned if yes indeed, by the time I have done all this, I am not shaking hands with the devil as I dance down the miserable path of a colossal flare.

But no, I am not going to do that today. I cannot guarantee I would have made the same choice yesterday, or that I will tomorrow. But just for today I am going to let the world's problems be its problems. Accept there is nothing that I can do to cure Fibromyalgia right now, go get in the shower and hit my cold muscles with the hot water, slather some Bengay on my lower back and plug on. I may get a flare, I may not. I may be able to reduce its severity and intensity by not indulging my mood. I don't know. I just know I am sick and tired of being sick and tired but more than that, being so darn hard on myself. So for today I am glad to not be my own worst enemy. 

Thanks for joining,


  1. Been there, done that...This to shall pass, this too shall pass. Sucks while it's going on, but I can't stress enough, THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I know you know this, but it sometimes feels better to hear it again....... :)

  2. I know how it is. I think it takes awhile to figure it out. I started out a few spring evenings a few years ago, determined to increase my walking distance with my dog one block per week. Because I knew I could get to the park, (2 blocks), then I would sit and rest, then walk back home. so remember, every week I was going to increase a block. Well, at the end of October, I was still walking to the park, sitting and resting and then barely making it home. My rheumatologist explained that there is a wall in fibro, and it is very difficult to break through it. So I have lowered expectations and now walk to the park, rest then walk home. I have had to quit work, I've applied for SSD, and I rest a lot. and without the stress, without the pain from trying to work, I feel a whole lot better. Do what you can, and don't expect to be an Olympic marathon runner. Having fibro is like swimming upstream and looking over at the other people, who are wading and playing in the shallows. I always wondered why I came home and collapsed, yet other went shopping, bike riding, cooking, mowing the lawn, etc. good luck to you.

  3. Hi Leah,
    Someone just shared your blog on FB. I'm 63, but have had fibro. since I was 35. Hang in there! I once went to counseling for the feelings of not being enough, particularly in my mothering. The counselor asked if my children were clothed, fed, and loved. I replied, yes. She said, "Well, then you are a good mother." I must add that I had a helpful husband.
    Blessings, Haven

  4. I swear you must read my heart somehow everyday and write about it! How do you do that??? I want to print out all of your blogs and read them everyday. You encourage me, Leah. Thank you. Thank you for being you. You're pretty damn awesome.

  5. Leah, you are way too hard on yourself! Fibro is, unfortuately, part of you now. You can't change that, so don't condemn yourself for it. It's not by your choice that you have been afflicted and it's not your choice not to be cured of it. You've resigned yourself to it a long time ago. You hate it, I hate it, but don't hate yourself because of it! You do what you can, when you can. Take care of YOU first! That isn't being selfish or self indulgent. You need to do that or else you will not be able to ever do anything else! You are almost always here with us and for us, and for that, I thank you! You've given all of us, the fibro family, a place to go.It's a bad day when there's no Leah. You work so hard on this fibro crusade. You have inspired so many of us here. Be good to yourself. As far as what anyone else thinks, well, the old adage applies: "Those that matter don't mind and those that mind DON'T MATTER!" Hugs and fields of lilacs to you Leah!

  6. I just found your blog and love it. Your insights into this journey is spot on. I have both fibro and arthritis and need to work full time after my husbands stroke. I never expected to be the main person working forever now but that is our new normal. Having Fibro makes it easy to feel down about it but I refuse to give this power over me. There are so many days that I struggle too and wonder why me? But then I just remember what my Mother told me a long time ago....Put on your big girl panties, slap a smile on your face and fake it until you make it! It's mind over matter and I matter. I have totally enjoyed reading your blog and how close to my own experiences they ring true.
    I agree that most of us are harder on ourselves than anyone else would ever be. Why do we let our minds tell us what we would never say to a friend?
    At our house - laughter is what gets us through and when I am having a really tough day and there are lots of them....I like to watch something funny and just make myself laugh. My husband is also great at making me laugh and that helps us get through the tough days.
    Hang in there and keep smiling!
    LauraG from MSP

  7. So well said! I am coming out of the nastiest flare I've had in years. Three major stresses on top of each other. Hang in there! Louise