Tuesday, January 24, 2012

My Heart Hurts

I wish I could do it
I really wish I could
Write an uplifting blog today
A tale of hope and inspiration
Commiseration of the everyday struggle
Wrapped up in a neat little package of positivity at the bottom.

But I can't
I just can't find that girl today
Lack of sleep, medication problems and marital discord have taken her away.

My rational mind tells me there is hope
I have experienced it first hand
I have felt it
I know it exists!

But today my head cannot override my heart
And my heart hurts
It is angry
Overflowing with loss and sorrow

Health, normalcy and freedom
From pain, drugs and the big fat tears
Rolling down my face

I can't keep up anymore
Doubted, blamed and thwarted
And really, I don't even want to
No more pretend.

I am sorry my friends
Truly I am
 I gave it my best shot today
And this is what I have to give
I know you understand.



  1. Much love and gentle hugs to you Leah!

  2. My heart hurts too. I was looking for something, anything to help me get through the black that is settling in, and in the process found your blog. Reading your poem, I thought, "that's me, today", and many other days. I'm glad I found you.

  3. What you write is real. We who are there know that. You wouldn't believe how mad I get at all the fibro bloggers who are all fluffy about flowers and angels and magical blowhard stuff. Honestly there are days you just want to crawl in a hole and pull it in after you. (I think your website refers to this as LMA). Yeah. It sucks. Bigtime. But your effort to write this has made me feel a lot better. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time; but I know I'm not alone. Just wanted to let you know how much it is appreciated.

    I haven't figured out the posting here with my Google or FB id yet, so for now, I'll be anonymous. Meanwhile, hang in there. -Janelle

  4. Leah
    It's been a rough day for many of us suffering with Fibro & Chronic Pain. I hope & pray that tomorrow brings some light to this tunnel for you & for all.
    God Bless & Take Care Dear lady

  5. This is a touch disease. I didn't really want anything uplifting. I wanted REAL! Here's to a better tomorrow!!!
    Blessings, Haven

  6. Hi! I know exactly what you mean... It is really hard to find something good in all of this. I'm having some problems at home, the fatigue and migraines are killing me and the financial toll that all my conditions have brought to my family are very difficult to deal with. I don't know what to do anymore! I just keep thinking... Don't give up, you have a lot of reasons to keep going but I have those days too so I understand you! Hugs!

  7. Leah,
    I just found your blog a few days ago. Each of us who experience the same things at different times, need to hear different words at different times. Yesterday I thought I couldn't keep living. Today is better...I cared enough to wash my hair. I got sick at 35 and just married for 1 month. I was a runner competing in races. Now I'm 52, divorced, lost my home and money. But I DO have a daughter and granddaughter. They are my reason to live.
    I admire your strength to write something, and so honestly.
    Hanging on by sore fingernails,

  8. Hi it's Chante' but I'm in the Hospital after relapsing again & I can't sign in the usual way; think it will post as anonymous but I follow on FaceBook reg. I hear ya & pray some peace comes back to you soon! I thought I was dying this time & have never been so scared as my meds for breathing stopped working-not getting air in is truly frightening; all this on top of the fibro each obscuring each other w/drs when I believe I have a mold/fungal I fraction & parasite of an unknown= complicated patient that no one wants t

  9. God bless my virtual friend who led me to your blog. I couldn't have said a lot of this better myself...and reading your words tugs at me to start writing/blogging again. I know it'd help, especially on days like today when no one "gets it" except us. Fighting to keep from falling down that damned rabbit hole! Soft hugs and thank you for sharing your life with us.

  10. Oh wow! As I clicked post on that last comment, I looked over to the left to read "Down the Rabbit Hole!" I swear I didn't see that before I commented what I did! Just goes to show that only we suffer through this can truly understand one another's struggles.