It Is Not Possible

I was re-potting some plants and watching The Kardashians on Saturday. It's the episode where Kim develops a rash on her legs and goes to the dermatologist. She has psoriasis, family hereditary.

Kim: So what can I do to get rid of it?
Doctor: Well, its not curable, but it is controllable. The #1 way you can help yourself is to lead a slower paced, less stressful life.
Kim: That's not possible.

At this point I dropped my gardening shovel because I needed to clutch my side, I am laughing so hard it hurts. Anyone out there remember saying that, upon receiving a Fibromyalgia diagnosis? I sure do. And just like Kim (unfortunately sin the millions of dollars), I believed it to be true. For there was no way to live my life, slower and less stressful. It just was not possible. But I was not a celebutante with a rash on my legs. I was a working woman with pain and fatigue so bad I had to quit my job! And then the one after that, and the one after that. For the longer I lived with it, the worse it got, until one day I simply could not go to work at all.

I was not dying, but certainly not living either. I was existing. From one pain and stress filled day to the next. Trying to juggle all the balls in the air I had been given in life, and the few I willfully picked up along the way, too. And as I would try and throw one ball out, another was thrown back in. See all, todos, the circumstances in life that led to this breakdown of my central nervous system came crashing down on me. And then there were all the balls left to juggle, but no one was there to juggle them. Blood, sweat and tears. Lots of 'em. And I was able to army crawl back to the pile of balls, struggle to sit up and pick one up. For that was the best that I could do. Eventually I started tossing it back and forth between my hands. A little while later I was able to pick up a 2nd ball, and tossed both of them back and forth. And so it went. But with every couple of balls I picked up, I would always drop one. Then I would have to keep juggling what I had while concentrating on bringing that dropped ball back into the toss. Now I am juggling about half the balls I was before and am amazed I am here!

That is why its so hard for me to explain this to healthy people. They just don't get it. For how do you explain, truly convey, how hard it is to be forced to learn how to do nothing? And then when the simplest, most taken for granted activities become something you can do again, the joy that brings! I could do my laundry again and I was ecstatic! Lets not even talk about taking the dog on a walk. Oh and when I could finally return to work I was a very grateful woman. Very grateful indeed, because it meant I could leave my house for more than 20 minutes at a time. And please don't take this the wrong way, I am in no way trying to be spiteful. But can't one of these reality show personalities get Fibromyalgia? So the world can see someone they already know, succumb to this disease? Well folks until then, I guess public education is up to you and me.

Thanks for joining,

Leah