Thursday, May 13, 2010

Ready To Crash

Okay I have had enough and I am ready to crash and burn. My mom's surgery went well, she is recovering nicely, but the toll that took on my life is absurd! Back and forth for that while trying to study for my final in Spanish, and the puppy is sick as well... All way too much for a girl with Fibromyalgia! I feel spent, exhausted with a side of anxiety thrown in, my back hurts (sacroiliac) constantly since I don't have time to do my exercises, my marriage has been ignored for this last week, the house is a mess, our finances are in shambles and I have spent more time than I would care to admit cleaning up dog shit!

A few years ago I would have been ecstatic to have the problems I have now. I was in such constant and writhing pain and the thought of doing anything listed above was so far out of my reach, let alone pouring it all into the same 5-day period. I could barely work, was a terrible wife, an inconsistent mother to my dog, a very lackadaisical caregiver to myself and hoped and prayed I would some day just be well enough to participate in life again. And here I am. Sadly that does little to cheer me up. I do feel a deep relief to have climbed out of the dark hole of hell but this sudo-better place I am sure feels like some limbo-merged-purgatory. Neither here nor there, not too sick to function, but certainly not healthy enough to accomplish normal expectations (you know, like working full-time!). And I am angry and frustrated to still be here. IT IS SO MUCH FREAKIN' WORK TO MANAGE THIS ILLNESS! I still feel there is an undiscovered root cause of this and if they could just find it and fix it then things could return to normal.

If I was a whole woman I could do much more to get us out of this financial hole my diseases have put our family into. I could inspire creativity and hope in both my husband and myself. I could manage my sleep-diet-exercise-stress-hormonal balance ball evenly instead of each day resembling a water-balloon fight! I could work a normal job, for crying out loud! And care for children and beautify homes and faces and smother myself in puppies every day. And I could travel the world and see all of its abundant mysteries and provocations and journal a life less ordinary in order to heal hearts and in turn heal but a small part of the world. And I could...embrace the world..because it truly is my oyster...I think.

Thanks for joining,
Leah

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