A Personality Disorder

Last week my friend and I were hanging out, talking about who knows what, when the topic of personality disorders came up. She gets on her nifty little i-pad and pulls up this test we can take online that will of course not diagnose a person, but may give you a little more insight to where your personality leans. So I washed the dishes and she quizzed me. Then she read me my results. They were wrong. So horribly wrong I figured she punched in my answers incorrectly or I had missed the point of the questions. So we did it again. Same thing, just a little bit more crazy all around. At this point I am having to admit I am lacking self-awareness, big time. For I never in a million years would have used the words "Borderline Personality Disorder" and "Leah Tyler" in the same sentence. Now I am in no way saying I have BPD, but according to this test it is a strong part of my personality. And this perplexed me beyond measure.

Actually, I did not even know what it meant. "Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships."* Okay fine, I thought. That's not so bad. I can admit I am up and down, quite impulsive and have many people in my life I would characterize as "difficult". But that was not my fault. It was them and not me! Wasn't it? And after chewing this fat around for a few days I realized I could pay attention and actually learn something here. If a great many of my relationships are indeed difficult, does that not make me at very least a contributor? If I have worked very hard over the last 35 years to get my emotions and feelings contained so that I am not a radiator cap blowing off an over-heated engine, does that not mean I am emotionally unstable? And yes, going to buy a pot for a palm tree and coming home with a puppy could definitely be considered impulsive, even if we are rather fond of Porkie and very glad she is ours.

Forgetting the others I focused in on that "have chaotic relationships" part, knowing it is the most volatile and disruptive to my health and life. I was recently blabbering to a cousin of mine and in his efforts to fix all the junk I was complaining about he came down pretty hard on me. At first I was very offended, feeling he hadn't the right or the knowledge to do so. But as we talked longer I realized he only attacked what I had given him. My feelings of inadequacy. My perceived failure to properly motivate myself or successfully execute my ambitions. Basically, my frustrations born from not being perfect. That damn type A just won't die! See in my Fibro-world there is no denying I have worked my ass off to get where I am. But to the outside I don't have a myriad of accomplishments to brag about, what people usually rely on to claim success. I have no PhD, successful business I built from the ground up or 5 kids shaping a better tomorrow. But I was disabled and now I am not. I was trapped in a body full of pain worse than death. And I no longer am. I could not leave my house for more than 20 minutes at a time, and now I can go for nearly as long as I desire. And all of this has happened in the last 6 years! So instead of stewing around mad at my fight being slighted, my success diminished, I realized the only reason he was able to criticize me and get me so worked up is because I invited him to. By bitching and moaning about my neurotic shortcomings I opened the door. So yes,  how can I not conclude I am greatly contributing to the difficult relationships in my life by continuing to seek approval where none will ever be found, then getting angry and defensive at the outcome. I am so unbelievably tired of interpersonal conflict and this eye opener, dose of cold hard truth, woke me up and made me realize that like everything else in life, if I want it to be different I have to change it. And finally, after 35 years, I decided if anyone is looking for perfect you have got the wrong girl over here. For never will I be, nor will I strive to be, that boring.

Thanks for joining,

Leah

*U.S. National Library of Medicine

I'm Tired Of Technology

Dear People That Don't Have Fibromyalgia,

We, the patients that have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia Syndrome, would like to draw a line in the sand. Collectively we don't have enough energy to deal with the rapid pace technology is advancing at. And while we would never wish for technological genius to slow down, we need to set up some ground rules here because it is getting out of hand.

Now please know we don't love you any less or think you are anything but the wonderful, caring and kind person you always have been. But we simply cannot have the same expectations when it comes to keeping up with our devices. When a text comes in, if the phone is not sitting right next to me, I am highly unlikely to drag my sore ass off the sofa to see who it is, unless I have a dependent or partner not presently home and it could be them. When the house phone rings, as I am struggling to make my way to answer it, I am too slow and the answering machine picks up. You hang up and call the cell phone immediately. Well now I have walked over to the house phone, and hearing the cell phone ring in an entirely other part of the house, I try to make my way there, getting very annoyed. Oops, missed it, right to voicemail. Now if I try and call you back I will go right to voicemail myself because you are now calling the house phone again but at this point I don't really care who you are or what you want and sit down all worn out from running to opposite ends of the house to catch that ringing bastard. So you leave a message, finally. Please know I am very aware you are trying to reach me but I have just given your bouncing phone calls all the energy I have for you today so will call you back another time.

When I finally drag my sorry self over to the computer to check my email, of which there are many messages because that is just how email is, I may be able to get back to you, or not, depending on the level of catastrophe I have to rate this email encounter at. And if I do get back to you and you then get back to me immediately, I really need you to understand I may have completed my dive into my inbox and have moved on to do something more critical to my survival, like cooking food. And Facebook. Ahhhh, Facebook. We really need to chat about that one. You are my "friend", but since I have to spend part of my day farming farms and cooking cookies because to skip it would be to take out the only part of my day that actually gets my mind off my pain, I may not be as up on your posts or returning your messages as quickly as the next person, but I will eventually get to it. When both my physical and mental state allow. If I post on some support page or another and it shows up on my wall, or I happen to mention I feel like I got stuck in the middle of a garbage truck fight, you get all pissy and start telling me what to do to get better. At this point what I need to do to get better is get rid of your pissy opinions. So as you can see this entire...network...is seriously flawed and definitely not Fibro-friendly.

So I may or may not know you have called, texted or emailed. And I may or may not return your chosen method of communication in a timely fashion. Sometimes it can take weeks. Sorry! Sure this is not the first time I have let you down. But this whole calamity, this person on demand mentality, is becoming a huge hindrance and we just can't have any part in it. So please, people that don't have Fibromyalgia, go easy on us. But know that if we actually take the time out of our lives to reach out to you unsolicited, we expect you to pick up on the first ring or return that text or email immediately. For what we have to say to you is very important.

Thanks for joining,

Leah

Taxes, A Vacation And A Funeral

This blog was originally written on 4/19/10. Glad to see some progress, at least with my dedication to writing!

What a whirlwind week! My husband was home on vacation this last week and he sure kept me busy. All my indulgences were under a microscope so it was nose to the grindstone! One of the things that did not quite make the list of mandatory was, I am sad to say, my writing. Clearly something that I still must make a priority, so hopefully the structure and organization I have been pining for will anchor it. But I was actually quite productive and got tons done and it was great to have him around for 9 days. We got to hang out a lot. I am very lucky that I still really like the person I married after all these years. He got a chance to unwind and de-stress and get some priorities focused. Oh and sleep, the poor guy! I do believe he is truly finding his way. The living hell that is the impact of this disease on our lives all these years later is just now leaving the "building" stage and beginning to recede. This has been long and arduous!

But I digress... He did gain an actual appreciation for what it takes to run our lives, household and finances. He was quite helpful with things and at one point looked at me and said, "Wow, you really are busy!" Score that point, girl! The taxes were due. Boo hoo hoo hoo! But we have lived to see another year and are still standing. Building and coercing and caressing the life we want out of the life we have. But really, at the end of the day, what choice do you actually have? Lie down and take whatever comes your way? Allow the bullshit of life to define your experience and therefore your existence? Hell no! Fight back and don't let up until you see the mold you are casting for your life really start to take shape. Life is fragile and quick and only experienced fully by the takers. The risk-takers, the chance-takers, the passionate!

I am very sad to say that my uncle passed away last week. He was only 66. It was surprising but not unexpected, if that makes any sense. The obituary is very dear and hopefully his wife and 7 children will provide him with an honorable and memorable farewell. Wow life is short. And it is interesting how the sum of a person boils down to what we leave behind. The relationships, the legacies, the familial bonds that transcend generations. The mark left on those known, society, and the world as a whole. What a person leaves behind is a true reflection of who we were as people on this earth, what we really believed in and felt. Good or bad, revered or alone, powerful or poor, its a tell of the heart of a person. Upon death all the pretense falls away and the memory that is left could quite possibly be the first real glimpse into the complex and true depth of that person's soul.

Thanks for joining,

Leah

Wisdom In The Cliche

Life is too important to be taken seriously. ~Oscar Wilde

There were many many years where I would have rolled my eyes at ol' Oscar up there and gotten irritated, finding no humor in the phrasing. I found no humor in anything, quite frankly, because I was in severe constant and pervasive pain throughout my entire body at all times, day and night. So that pretty much negated fun, humor or anything anybody else really wanted to be around. But no one wanted away from me badder than me! Unfortunately no pill, exercise or tub of hot water in the land would make it go away. The pain that is, not me. The shadow that cast around my aura was dark and ugly, for I was tentatively swimming through murky waters with nothing but fear and survival to guide me. Oh but that survival of the human spirit is strong, because somehow survive it I did!

It was not on my own strength, nor that of my friends and family, though without them it would not have happened. It was not a brilliant doctor or a miraculous medication, though without those, too, it would not be possible. So what was it, tell me please, you must say! And all I can tell you is it was a quest. A never-ending quest to stop feeling worse than death! Because the woman that writes these words to you today is not the same woman who was given a Fibromyalgia diagnosis and left to figure out how to get better all on her own. That woman was crazy, desperate, hopeless. I had to knit decent medical care together like a patchwork quilt. During a fabric shortage. You would not like the woman I was back then very much. I know I didn't, and battled her out of me any and every way possible. It took a long time and an unwillingness to quit, I suppose.

I was recently chatting with a friend, someone a few years younger than me. She was giving me her schedule of life to come. Get married at this age, have a baby at this one. Second baby when I am this old and then...I kinda tuned her out at this point. I wanted to shake her hard and tell her life does not work that way! You have to take it as it comes, it is not something one can dictate or plan with any certainty. You make the best choices you can at the time in any given situation and hang on tight! But perhaps I am wrong and that is just how it happened to me. Maybe life can be a series of calculated choices falling right in line with the expected plan. And we can run around all uptight and make sure life stays on that plan, taking ourselves far too seriously. Or we can do it different. Seems to me, my fellow Fibrates, we don't have much of a choice. We have to do it different! All I know is I could not tolerate living life sick and have done everything possible to not have to take it all so seriously, because it just hurts so damn much. The first step there was believing it was possible.

Thanks for joining,

Leah

My Time, My Choice

In the vaguest sense of the word I had a bit of a family reunion this past weekend. A gathering of many I have known through the years and had not visited with in quite a while. And while it was good to see all, it was not a particularly pleasant visit. For I was put in that wonderful scenario we Fibrates are especially fond of: Family Obligation. Now we may talk about setting limits or putting ourselves first or refusing to allow others to treat us in a way we don't deserve. But the reality of life is there are simply occasions that come up that must be tended to. And we are not the star of the show. Nobody is considering our needs and to expect them to would, quite frankly, be overwhelmingly self-absorbed and completely out of touch with reality. So yes, every so often important things happen to those we know and love. Weddings, funerals, birthday parties, important anniversaries, you name it, that throw a big fat wrench into the carefully constructed lives of a Fibromyalgia patient. 

We traipsed around town all weekend, racing from place to place, activity to activity, obligation after obligation, with Yorkie & Porkie in tow. I quickly slipped from flare to LMA, popping pills to survive the pain all that activity stirred up. Porkie stopped eating, my little routine girl was so stressed out because she had no idea what was going on. We fulfilled our obligations and managed to have a bit of fun, too. But you have never seen 4 souls happier to hit the road home than the motley crew the four of us made that night. And for much of the ride home my wheels were turning. How, my dear friends, can we do better? What do we need to do so we don't become the sacrificial lamb if we choose to participate in life with those we know and love? For if home is where the heart is then I belong right here, sunk into my sofa, snuggled up in my bed.

And that is where it lies, I decided. I have to create my home base away from home. A place where I can have some down time, crash between activities. And all those people I was running around to see, jumping through hoops to make happy, I can stop doing that, too. And start expecting people to come to me. Some will and some won't, and others will marvel at what a selfish little twit I have become. Let them, I say! For that sure beats feeling the way I did at the close of those frenzy filled days. Basically I can stop worrying about the convenience of others, or what they will think of me, and do what lots and lots of other people do without even thinking twice about it. Because they are too busy taking care of themselves to even get Fibromyalgia. I can take care of me.

Thanks for joining,
Leah

It Is Not Possible

I was re-potting some plants and watching The Kardashians on Saturday. It's the episode where Kim develops a rash on her legs and goes to the dermatologist. She has psoriasis, family hereditary.

Kim: So what can I do to get rid of it?
Doctor: Well, its not curable, but it is controllable. The #1 way you can help yourself is to lead a slower paced, less stressful life.
Kim: That's not possible.

At this point I dropped my gardening shovel because I needed to clutch my side, I am laughing so hard it hurts. Anyone out there remember saying that, upon receiving a Fibromyalgia diagnosis? I sure do. And just like Kim (unfortunately sin the millions of dollars), I believed it to be true. For there was no way to live my life, slower and less stressful. It just was not possible. But I was not a celebutante with a rash on my legs. I was a working woman with pain and fatigue so bad I had to quit my job! And then the one after that, and the one after that. For the longer I lived with it, the worse it got, until one day I simply could not go to work at all.

I was not dying, but certainly not living either. I was existing. From one pain and stress filled day to the next. Trying to juggle all the balls in the air I had been given in life, and the few I willfully picked up along the way, too. And as I would try and throw one ball out, another was thrown back in. See all, todos, the circumstances in life that led to this breakdown of my central nervous system came crashing down on me. And then there were all the balls left to juggle, but no one was there to juggle them. Blood, sweat and tears. Lots of 'em. And I was able to army crawl back to the pile of balls, struggle to sit up and pick one up. For that was the best that I could do. Eventually I started tossing it back and forth between my hands. A little while later I was able to pick up a 2nd ball, and tossed both of them back and forth. And so it went. But with every couple of balls I picked up, I would always drop one. Then I would have to keep juggling what I had while concentrating on bringing that dropped ball back into the toss. Now I am juggling about half the balls I was before and am amazed I am here!

That is why its so hard for me to explain this to healthy people. They just don't get it. For how do you explain, truly convey, how hard it is to be forced to learn how to do nothing? And then when the simplest, most taken for granted activities become something you can do again, the joy that brings! I could do my laundry again and I was ecstatic! Lets not even talk about taking the dog on a walk. Oh and when I could finally return to work I was a very grateful woman. Very grateful indeed, because it meant I could leave my house for more than 20 minutes at a time. And please don't take this the wrong way, I am in no way trying to be spiteful. But can't one of these reality show personalities get Fibromyalgia? So the world can see someone they already know, succumb to this disease? Well folks until then, I guess public education is up to you and me.

Thanks for joining,

Leah