On Retreat

 

When I was extremely sick with CFS/ME I was a basket case. I was disabled to the point I could hardly leave my house. I had NO ability to deal with conflict or stress and would melt into a blithering puddle reminiscent of the Wicked Witch of the West at the slightest provocation. After much dismissal I had finally found a doctor that believed me and ran a litanous list of extensive tests. He ruled out MS, HIV, heart problems, thyroid dysfunction, autoimmune disease, both bacterial and viral infections and a plethora of everything else he could think of. But still he could not tell me what was wrong with me. I was falling apart because I did not have any idea how to deal with the total destruction of my life. Well meaning friends and family were, quite frankly, up my ass. When are you going to get better? Have you tried this vitamin potion? My friend got better on it. Did you know a lot of people claim to be in pain so they can get disability and don't have to work? Have you tried this? Have you tried that? Oh the list went on. Suggestion after suggestion, opinion after opinion shoved down my throat and if I did not pursue each "idea" presented to me I must be one of those fakers, too. 

I finally reached the point where it became blazingly obvious the tiny precious little bits of energy I had each day were not at all spent on getting better but fielding off these people and defending my right to not have explored 25 suggestions overnight. I could barely make it from the bed to flop on the sofa but nobody understood that at all. None of them had ever dealt with chronic pain or illness yet knew the answer, if I would only just try it. So instead of committing myself to an insane asylum, for that is surely where I was headed, I went on retreat for two weeks. Unfortunately I did not have the money to head off to a "wellness center" where I could holistically ponder and contemplate my situation and just rest. Laying by a pool, getting massages, maybe some acupuncture or reiki treatments.

So what, I thought. I can go on retreat right here in my very own living room! It was not my apartment that was bothering me, nor was it my husband or dog. I sent everyone a mass and vague email that I would be "on retreat" for two weeks and unreachable. I turned the ringers on my phone off, the answering machine volume down and silenced that cell phone, neglecting my email as well. And I sat. I thought, I contemplated, I cried, I prayed and problem solved and laughed, all by myself. My husband would come home from work after a long day and I would have enough energy to actually spend some time with him. It was glorious! At the end of the two weeks I was actually a bit stronger and could deal with the difficulty of others with a lot more confidence, for I had found my voice. I have gone "on retreat" a few times since, when things just became too intense to handle. Blocked out the world at large and got into my own head, heart and soul on my never ending quest to figure out how to live sick in a world that has no patience for it. It is the best thing I have done for myself when my feelings of anger, resentment, frustration and aggression start taking over, consuming my thoughts and ultimately my health. 

Thanks for joining,

Leah