I went nine solid months without having a single good, or non-flare, day. Today I'm consistently averaging two good days a week. It's a noticeable improvement, no doubt, but not enough. Ever greedy, I want more. Despite years of trying to negotiate myself into accepting my diminished output, it hasn't worked. I've tried to adapt to my limitations and failed miserably. I wish I could. Lord knows my life would be a lot easier if I did. But unless I am fighting this illness, and winning, I'm nothing but a surly wretch.
Countless blogs have been devoted to my frustration over how much everyone expects from me and how poorly I measure up. But I'm beginning to think they're only following my lead. I'll be the first to admit I'm deficient in myriad ways. It pisses people off, but the person it really pisses off is me. I want so much for my life yet some days am too fatigued to shower. It's hard to combine blind ambition with incapacitating illness. Lots of people do it, I'm well aware. I strive to be one of them. It is both the blessing and curse of my life.
Right now I'm in a holding pattern. My sleep is still prone to extended fits of insomnia. I spend more days feeling like I'm coming down with the flu than I don't. I can barely find the motivation to practice yoga once a week, and then get really sick after I do. Eventually that backlash will recede, along with the pain and stiffness in my muscles, but man it's a son of a bitch getting there.
I want to wake up in the morning with a spring in my step. I want to enthusiastically approach the day, execute my goals and objectives, and fall into bed at night exhausted from a day of productivity. But yesterday I played solitaire on my cell phone and started the new Dynasty reboot, too sick to even put on makeup. Clearly I'm miles away from where I want to be. So I rest and try to show myself a little bit of kindness. Around and around I circle, searching for a place to land. Hoping and praying to one day exit this holding pattern of futility.
Thanks for joining,
Leah
It's good to hear from you Leah. The art of acceptance is difficult. As far as I've come, I still have a way to go. I will say that acceptance has been the most freeing thing I've done. The more I accept that this is where I'm at each day, regardless of how good or bad that day might be, the less anger, frustration, depression and guilt I feel. It's the most difficult thing to do. I think mostly because we feel if we are not going around in that circle, if we are not fighting and angry, if we find peace others will interpret that as giving up. I've far from given up. I try every day to do my best. Now, I'm just happy with what my best is. I found a part time job, I was so excited to start. But when I arrived the first day, they had changed the job description (they said I was more capable, so they decided what was better for me), and I knew I that if I did the new job they had created, I would end up sick again. So I let myself off the hook. I actually took care of myself and told them it wasn't going to work out. And yes, I feared judgement from everyone. To my surprise those that care were proud I finally am learning to keep myself well. I'm proud to. I'm far from perfect at it, but I know it's helped me tremendously. I hope you keep writing! I miss your blogs. Take good care!
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