Tuesday, March 1, 2016

The Drug Dance

I'm stumbling around like a zombie who feels like she's on the verge of getting the flu. That's what I feel like--a sick zombie. Lucky flippin' me. Somehow in the middle of my brain-stem driven level of functioning, I realized I have to sleep or I cannot exist. It's that simple, and that dramatic. Otherwise I feel so awful, riddled with anxiety and such severe pain, all I can do is drink to escape my misery. Needless to say, the after affects of a bottle of Burgundy only further serve to enhance my zombie-like, anxiety-riddled state. So I am now back to drugging myself to sleep. And the dance begins...

To medicate or not to medicate is an overwhelmingly controversial topic. Not enough, and functioning isn't possible. Too much, and functioning isn't possible. Then there's that whole "two strokes as a side-effect of a very popular antidepressant" thing I went through six years ago. So needless to say, I try and medicate as little as humanly possible. But the bottom line is what this illness does to my body makes me want to die, physically and emotionally. I found a way to mitigate such a dire reaction by completely changing my lifestyle. After years of prep work, my fibromyalgia salvation came in the form of green juice and dumbbells.

But today the flu-ish zombie writing this is so many miles away from the capable woman who managed her illness with holistic lifestyle dedication, I'm struggling to figure out where I am. No, I'm nowhere as bad off as I was in 2011--when I was 100 lbs. overweight, in so much pain I couldn't walk down a flight of stairs, and shattered from six months of high-dose prednisone, but I ain't squatting 95 lbs. either. So here I sit at square three or four, admitting I'm sicker than any one thing will fix, and putting my faith back in that tenuous combination of kale juice and pharmaceuticals. All in an attempt to try and find my footing on the path to traversing year eleven with the fibro beast eternally on my back.

Thanks for joining,


  1. Dear Leah:
    I'm so so sorry you are suffering so much. And I promised to encourage you and I have fallen down on that, I don't even know if you want my encouragement but that's no excuse.
    People say that after suffering a severe trauma that doesn't allow the patient to sleep, they are sometimes put in the hospital so they can safely induce sleep. That's how important sleep is. And I would say you are at that point, so do what you need to do, safely, to sleep. And sleep until you feel like you are ready to get up and then sleep some more. If you need medication to do so, then take it. Again safely.
    I have so much faith in you Leah. I know you feel so far from the woman you were at your best, but you are that woman and you will get there again because that's who you are.
    So for now sleep. Be proud that you posted this, but sleep.

    1. Martinigal- I LOVE your encouragement, and don't think you have fallen down on your promise one bit. Keep taking care of you my friend. :)

  2. I suffer from it too and use the CP Relief Wand for severe pain. It really helps. One other thing that may help is to do an environmental diary and food diary. This helps to identify the pain trigger. For me mycotoxins-mold in the environment and in food is a trigger. It causes burning pain, lack of motivation and weakness. Fibro is so misunderstood and I understand the Drug dance. Taking some slow deep breaths when going to sleep and using 100% cotton sheets along with having a air purifier helps. Hope you feel better

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