I feel like a ship floating out at sea. I exist but don't belong. Nor do I know where I belong, or where on earth I've been. The only thing I know is I've been here before. On a vast, void-less planet lacking shape, clarity, or direction. Land and sea have not been separated yet. Once again I exist, but I don't belong.
Picking up the pieces of my life is proving a much harder task than I thought it would. At first I just thought I needed to sleep for a few weeks and would get right back on track. Then fibromyalgia laughed in my face once again. It's taken me a few weeks to even start sleeping at all. I keep thinking about the woman I was before I went back to work last March. In the skewed hindsight of my memory she was a happy girl who had her health managed and was living a pretty productive life. But knowing me, I was bitching about the same things I'm all bent out of shape about now; I was just in a lot less pain and exercising a lot more.
That's when I was reminded fibromyalgia didn't just make me sick, it made my life sick. And that's what I'm hung up on-- asking myself the "whys" of life. Basically, why the hell is this my life? But experience has taught me "why" questions are a dead-end road. A pointless waste of time. Who cares why? What is, is. Quit trying to figure out why shit went wrong and get busy trying to fix it. But I'm too sick right now to fix much of anything, leaving me to sit here stewing over everything I should have become, but didn't. Which is why I feel like a ship floating out at sea. I don't even see land, let alone know how to reach it.
Thanks for joining,
Leah
Oh Leah:
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are having such a difficult time right now.
You say you are too sick right now to fix anything - THEN DO NOT. Fix anything right now. Right now is time to regenerate and allow your body to undo all that happened while you were working, because you know that took a huge toll on your body.
What is, is. You know this. Acceptance is the only way. Acceptance and Action, but you are not ready for action, for now it's acceptance. And if your mind begins to ruminate, acknowledge any negative thoughts, acknowledge them, tell them you have no use for them and let them float on by. Then try to ruminate on the strong fierce woman you are, the woman who fought and scratched her way (or juiced and exercised her way) back to a healthy life.
I know you know all of this, but for now you can't remember, you mind isn't strong enough yet. So, if you don't mind, I will remind you of all you've accomplished and all you will accomplish once your body is ready. And if you do mind just let me know and I'll stop. Until then I will do my best to help you turn your mind in the right direction and help you remember what you already know. for now..rest!
I am sorry that you are having such a tough time too. Every time I think I have my Fibro figured out, I overdo it and push myself too hard and then get flattened. It is such a frustrating thing to go through. I keep going the best I can but feel like I am not living a true life because I hate to ask for help and always say I am fine when that isn't true. I hope you find your way again. I like reading your blog because you tell it like it is and don't fake it. Be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI love your blog! It helps to know that I'm not alone in all of this. Thank you for the time you've put in for all your fibro sisters. It helps me more than I can express :)
ReplyDeleteI agree its nice to know I'm not alone! But I would not wish this on my worse enemy! ......Is there anyone out there that suffers from chest pains and pain in between your shoulder blades?..they keep telling me its fibro but I've only heard of a few people who have pain in their chest!
ReplyDeleteI used to get chest/rib cage pain a lot. I have not in years now. I still get the shoulder blade spasms sometimes. When I got the costal (rib pain) I would just try to keep from picking up and reaching/lifting alot...repetitive actions like that exacerbate this. Massage along the spine and upper back helped some.
DeleteI agree its nice to know I'm not alone! But I would not wish this on my worse enemy! ......Is there anyone out there that suffers from chest pains and pain in between your shoulder blades?..they keep telling me its fibro but I've only heard of a few people who have pain in their chest!
ReplyDeleteI agree its nice to know I'm not alone! But I would not wish this on my worse enemy! ......Is there anyone out there that suffers from chest pains and pain in between your shoulder blades?..they keep telling me its fibro but I've only heard of a few people who have pain in their chest!
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I can relate, I used to ask the "why me" all the time I don't think I will ever get it. Raising 3 kids while ill has been very challenging at times. Every time I think I can handle this kind pain it throws me for another loop...ugh. Take care and keep fighting! :)
ReplyDeleteI hate hearing someone else has this issue. Often, relief comes through diet. There is a lot of research lately on the link between high oxalate foods and fibromyalgia. The best cookbooks for a low oxalate diet are "Low Oxalate Fresh and Fast Cookbook" and "Real Food Real Results: Gluten-Free, Low-Oxalate, Nutrient-Rich Recipes". Both sold on Amazon, major bookstores and as Kindle download.
ReplyDelete