Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Through The Gauntlet

No form of acceptance, positive thinking, self pep-talks or mind over matter triumphs all problems. For as much as those things are critical to surviving the ups and downs of any person's life, so is recognizing when the breaking point is about to snap. Sometimes life is just hard, a situation difficult, reality bites or everything so screwed up it's impossible to keep going. That can be the hardest what is is to accept of all. About a year after I got sick I recklessly flew past that breaking point on roller skates like a bat out of hell. Eight years later I now realize I simply didn't know what else to do. I only related to the world in one way, and that way was broken. Instead of believing I could find another way, I broke too. Finding compassion for that girl who had so much loss, devastation, heartache and grief ahead of her is hard. I really wanna reach back in time and smack her silly. I want to scream at the top of my lungs to get it together, take the horrible illness nobody knew what to do with seriously and believe my body when it gave out, not blame my mind for not being strong enough. And I want to take her into my arms and let her cry on my shoulder, and pat her head with the soothing promise that everything won't be perfect, but I will survive. 

I can't do any of those things, though, because she is me, and I wouldn't be me if I hadn't gone through everything she went through. So as I sit here at another crossroads in my life, one where the way I have survived and related to the world is breaking once again, one would think I could draw from the mistakes of the past to keep me strong. Make better choices this time around. And for heavens sake not be so damn indulgent of every fleeting ping of panic, desperation or fear. One would think. 

Tonight I cried like a baby. I decided the sky was falling, world coming to an end and Armageddon descending upon us. After about fifteen minutes of freaking my dogs out I got a grip. I realized something has to change, and that something, once again, has to be me. This is one situation I can't solve by thinking about it tomorrow or focusing on what's good. I most certainly don't know all the answers, or how to dig myself out of the hole life finds me cowering in at this exact moment. But I do know chances are at the end of the day, if the past is any indication, I will be okay.

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