Thursday, November 7, 2013

The Rebel Inside

Right as I feel like I am beginning to get a handle on my life, a distracting old friend decides to come visit. She doesn't show her pesky face nearly as much as she used to, but no sooner do I start to feel the peace of progress moving my life forward, before I am staring my inner rebel square in the eye. A restlessness stirs within me. The need to not be "perfect" becomes overwhelmingly compelling. It isn't long before the compulsion to break rules, especially those of my own design, consumes me. 

I've been really good for a while now, mindful of my bad habits and the havoc they wreak. Quite frankly I am basking in the afterglow of a fundamental shift in the way I look at the world. I feel freedom in ways I haven't felt in years, if ever. My ability to accept my given circumstances, and seek ways to change what doesn't work by changing me, not my unchangeable circumstances, is revolutionizing the quality of my life. Until tonight.

We danced a lively little tango this evening, my inner rebel and me. I didn't wanna cook dinner, like really didn't want to, by the time I got home from class after 9pm. Hunger overrode my whim, however, and the salmon was delicious. But I absolutely didn't want to do the dishes, pack my husband's lunch, pack his bag for the gym, or straighten up the dirty clothes in the bedroom that hadn't made it into the hamper yet. Telling myself he doesn't want to get up at 4am every morning and work 12 hours a day gave me the motivation I needed to get it done, though. However, at this point, the rebel inside dug her heels into the ground and demanded I give her some attention. So here I sit at 3:30 in the morning, actually tired, but unable to stop Miss Rebel's wakeful hold on my need to break a rule! Laughing at myself, because after a lifetime of wild behavior, staying up until the sun comes up is hardly cause for an eyebrow raise. Then I look over, and my dog is staring at me with impatience, trying to get me to go to bed. It's pretty sad when even the dog knows what I should be doing right now. 

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