I feel an excessive need to achieve. Still after all this time chronically ill my type-A drive hasn't gotten lost. Buried under a pile of laundry? Oh yeah. Fluffed up into dust bunnies the size of Weepuls rolling across my hard flooring? You betcha. Masked for years at a time behind medications, intentionally stifled and just plain ignored? Yes, yes and yes. But it always comes back to propel me to the next destination in my life. At some point along the way I had to accept this is just me. Will I spend the rest of my days driving myself nuts because I cannot meet my own expectations? Probably. But I figure banging my head against the proverbial wall of change is worse. Because at this point I am who I am. I've tried to change and this is what I am left with.
This weekend my husband asked me if I wanted to go to the coffee shop. He wanted to stroll through Spanish style architecture and interior design photographs on the computer. "It's a totally useless waste of time but it's fun," he said to try and entice me into playing, Let's pretend design our dream house, a game we both enjoy. His phrasing struck me like a slap. "This is what is wrong with our world," I shot back. "We view fun, mindless and relaxing activities as frivolous when in fact they are some of the most important things we can do."
Yet one more casualty of adulthood, being for the sake of being. Because just chilling out and relaxing in the moment on a mindless activity doesn't put dinner on the table or pay the rent. It doesn't help the kids with their homework, find a doctor who knows how to treat Fibromyalgia or approve a person who can't work for disability. It doesn't result in promotions, raises, clean houses or folded laundry. Something I had nothing but time for as a youth doesn't even register on my priority list as a grown woman with a life to accomplish. But not taking moments of relaxation and enjoyment makes me grouchy and take life far too seriously, and ultimately hinders my progress far more than a few wasted hours of fun. So what did we do? Grabbed the computer and dogs, jumped in the car and went to that coffee shop. It was a nice day out but the glare on the screen was terrible so we really didn't look at all that many pictures. But we sat in the sun and sipped our frothy beverages and talked about a million different things, and nothing at all.
Thanks for joining,