Tuesday, February 19, 2013

It's Just Harder

Sometimes I get so entrenched in life with chronic illness I forget everyone doesn't suffer from some terrible malady or another. Don't get me wrong, I know we all have our problems, issues and drama in life. But not everyone is sick. As I listened to a friend plead despair the other day over how darn hard this is, how unfair it is, how it hurts so bad to not be understood on both a physical and emotional level, I could only nod my head in agreement and offer my shoulder. Life is just harder when chronically ill, it just is.

I find I have to get up each day and pray to God my chemicals aren't off and I'm not in pain. Which is actually quite funny considering I suffer from a central nervous system pain syndrome. Needless to say my chemicals are usually a little off, and I'm frequently in pain. But the show will go on without me, if I fade into the wallpaper and give up my fight, so I muster up my strength and try to join in every so often. I find myself bargaining my way through many setbacks and disappointments but I'm not quite sure if it's Fibro or me I am negotiating with, or what good it will even do? And quite frequently it seems if I don't rise from the ashes, adjust my expectations and decide the only person who is going to change the situation is me, I get taken down.

Is this fair? That my illnesses elicited a chain reaction of devastation in my life and I am the one who has to suck it up and work 50 times harder than the next person to simply survive? I don't think so. I also don't think fair much matters after kindergarten, for it seems to be a state of affairs not often experienced in the grown-up world. Once I got over expecting fairness I started accepting my life. That acceptance led to resistance, which I'll admit got pretty hairy at times, but ultimately led to change. A very painful metamorphosis critical to the forward progress of my life.

Thanks for joining,
Leah

5 comments:

  1. I am glad to have a site that is just about fibromyalgia. The support site I spend most of my time on is Hunter Hopkins which includes FM and CFS/ME. I wish you would visit there once on FB. We love humor, comfort one another and support one another. Recently I was assaulted in a minor way and this cyber community was there for me in an astounding way. If you need a lift it will do that for you. I am grateful for your site as well and understand how hard it is to get out there and blog on a regular basis. Gillian Weathers

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  2. I'm with you sister, perfectly said!

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  3. I am in love with your blog. I need your blog. It is food to my soul to be able to read your words and KNOW THEM and at some point THOUGHT THEM myself. I can't thank you enough for this safe place to relate.

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  4. Your words mirror my life, my thoughts, my pain but also my acceptance and hope, to have that reflection is priceless, thank you

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  5. I just found your blog this a.m. but I believe that I am hook

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