Tuesday, February 19, 2013

It's Just Harder

Sometimes I get so entrenched in life with chronic illness I forget everyone doesn't suffer from some terrible malady or another. Don't get me wrong, I know we all have our problems, issues and drama in life. But not everyone is sick. As I listened to a friend plead despair the other day over how darn hard this is, how unfair it is, how it hurts so bad to not be understood on both a physical and emotional level, I could only nod my head in agreement and offer my shoulder. Life is just harder when chronically ill, it just is.

I find I have to get up each day and pray to God my chemicals aren't off and I'm not in pain. Which is actually quite funny considering I suffer from a central nervous system pain syndrome. Needless to say my chemicals are usually a little off, and I'm frequently in pain. But the show will go on without me, if I fade into the wallpaper and give up my fight, so I muster up my strength and try to join in every so often. I find myself bargaining my way through many setbacks and disappointments but I'm not quite sure if it's Fibro or me I am negotiating with, or what good it will even do? And quite frequently it seems if I don't rise from the ashes, adjust my expectations and decide the only person who is going to change the situation is me, I get taken down.

Is this fair? That my illnesses elicited a chain reaction of devastation in my life and I am the one who has to suck it up and work 50 times harder than the next person to simply survive? I don't think so. I also don't think fair much matters after kindergarten, for it seems to be a state of affairs not often experienced in the grown-up world. Once I got over expecting fairness I started accepting my life. That acceptance led to resistance, which I'll admit got pretty hairy at times, but ultimately led to change. A very painful metamorphosis critical to the forward progress of my life.

Thanks for joining,


  1. I am glad to have a site that is just about fibromyalgia. The support site I spend most of my time on is Hunter Hopkins which includes FM and CFS/ME. I wish you would visit there once on FB. We love humor, comfort one another and support one another. Recently I was assaulted in a minor way and this cyber community was there for me in an astounding way. If you need a lift it will do that for you. I am grateful for your site as well and understand how hard it is to get out there and blog on a regular basis. Gillian Weathers

  2. I'm with you sister, perfectly said!

  3. I am in love with your blog. I need your blog. It is food to my soul to be able to read your words and KNOW THEM and at some point THOUGHT THEM myself. I can't thank you enough for this safe place to relate.

  4. Your words mirror my life, my thoughts, my pain but also my acceptance and hope, to have that reflection is priceless, thank you

  5. I just found your blog this a.m. but I believe that I am hook