Thursday, July 5, 2012

Family Put The Y In Dysfunction

I don't use this blog to bitch about my family. They are good people for the most part. Human and mistake-making, flawed as we all are, but certainly not malicious. However, on Monday I was grossly maligned. And boy do I have something to say about it! It wasn't my blood, it was my husbands, but that does little to erase the sting. See apparently his sister feels sorry for him, saddled with a wife who is sick and all. From the way I am treated I kind of already knew that. But it goes much further than this. Somehow in her delusion she's become convinced of a concept so outlandish one couldn't help but dismiss it as, well, simply crazy. So here it is. Her theory states I "concealed" my illness when we got married, therefore "tricking" my husband into a fraudulent marriage he is now "stuck" in. Once this gross assumption came out in the open oh ya betcha I blew. Smoke billowing out my ears like a choo-choo train smokestack. I felt weird, oddly judged. It quickly grew into disbelief and then outright anger. Slowly it dawned on me she thought I was a liar, a swindler, the kind of woman who "traps" a man. What kind of man is this who is "trapped" in my web? Certainly not the one I am married to, he stands up for himself and what he believes in. Hard to imagine he came from the same people she does.

Do you think my sister-in-law is on the hunt for a new wife for her brother? I sure do! I have become quite a liability, extremely expensive and have not fulfilled the one purpose of my entire existence, popping out babies. So she wants to discard me, throw me away because I have outlived my usefulness. And do it all by concocting a fanciful tale which allows her to remain conceptually Catholic, but with the added benefit of effectively exiling me from her family by tracing my poor health all the way back to the beginning of our marriage. By believing I swindled her family and "trapped" her brother, the entire existence of our union would be nullified. This is the manipulation of religion at its ugliest. Not to mention she is just plain wrong. I got married in 2001 but didn't get sick until 2005. I guess that was a pretty effective concealment. Even I didn't know I was sick for four whole years!

After I stopped smarting from the colossal smack across the face I realized this really was quite a creative point of view. And severely and sadly fallacious, nuts and just plain stark raving mad. Unfortunately intellectualizing and rationalizing this whole malady in my mind did little to heal my heart from the deep wound taking over any love, fondness or respect I once possessed for my husband's relation. I know I am not alone here. Sick people are inconvenient. Demanding. Messy. We require a lot. Force those around us to readjust their expectations in many personal and individual facets. But she is an idiot. Threw the baby out with the bathwater because now her brother wants nothing to do with her. Ever. After leaning on some very supportive shoulders I am getting a grip. A flare too, but I kinda knew that was par for the course. Being judged sucks. So do false accusations, blatant lies and complete disregard because let's face it, sick is just not popular. Continuing to fight for what is good and right I am putting this ridiculous farce up on the shelf and walking away. I have too much to do and many important things to accomplish. And I ain't givin' her one more second of my thought. Haven't I said it before the best revenge is a life well lived? Well I am gonna go live it.

Thanks for joining,


  1. I wish that there were something that I could say to make you feel better but I know that you are pained by the families remarks and behavior. It would appear that your father in law has no sympathy for anyone, including his family.

    My mom was sick for 24 years and my dad never once showed any Sympathy or Love for her. She was a burden that he did not want to be saddled with and I as her daughter who loved her dearly had to sit by and watch him mentally and emotionally mistreat her and to this day it is there in my memory. I pleaded with her and my brothers to file neglect charges against him but they would not so I think I can in some ways know how hurt you must feel. Needless to say my mom passed away in 1997 early on a Thrusday morning and we buried her on Friday. I went to see about my dad, why God only knows, on Monday and he told me when I was ready he had someone he wanted me to meet that I would just love her to death..... I am sure you know what my reactions were. I already knew about her and so did my mom. He is married to her now. My family has never been the same.

    Leah, when we marry, we take vows that say for better for worse, richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. There are no promises that we will be blessed with Wealth, Health or Happiness. It sounds like your father in law wants the easy way out, like a lot of people in this world. I am alone so I do not have to bear those kind of things from the in laws but I deal with it from the family.... and that hurts. When my mom died my family died with her. My dad married the woman and my family ceased to exit and the only family that is important to him is her family because they accepted him and the situation but they did not know what was going on and did not have to watch their mom being treated like trash that he could not wait to throw out. My dad is and was at time highly involved in church. So everyone in church, no matter what denomation they choose, cares about the vows or wants to understand. All they want is to be rid of the problem. I have had to choose thru the years with this situation and also with Fibromyalgia. There are people who do not choose to understand anyone elses problems or illnesses. Only think of themselves. Sometimes even when it comes to family they are the first to let us down or want to pretent that nothing is wrong or in your case that your husband deserves better. It hurts. I have in the past 14 years had to put up barriers in order to protect myself and my daughter. Unfortuntely in life there are people like my father and your father in law and other in laws who only see things their way and that is the way it is. There is no changing people from who they are. I have contact and have to be in the situation with my dad. I have learned in life that you can love someone without liking them and yes it is difficult. Years have made the situation somewhat easier but I always come home amazed that my dad's memory of our life is far different from mine. Thankfully only a 3 or 4 times a year that I have to expose myself to the situation. I am glad that your husband feels different from them and that he loves you even tho you have health problems. I wonder if the positions were reverse if they would feel that you should throw him out and move on. You are a blessing to people and please remember that. Sometimes we tend to let the pain define us. I know sometimes I do. I feel worthless, useless, and so many times want to give up but some how I manage to remember my daughter that I love passionately and I push forward. I pray that you find that passion somewhere in your life and do not let people without compassion or sympathy for anyone but themselves bring you down to their level.

    Your are far better than people like this. Your deserve better.

    We all deserve to be treated with respect and understanding, we do not choose to be sick. I pray every day for a cure for this illness not just for me but for everyone and I know that everyone who knows that pain that I live with prays the same prayer.

  2. I had a very close friend inform me that we couldn't hang out any more, because I couldn't be spontaneous, and I was inconvenient as a friend. You could have knocked me over, I never would have expected that from her. It was just the beginning of finding out who would stand by me an who would bail. In the long run, the small group of people who stood strong are more support than I could have asked for, and they are true friends. My husband leads that charge, and I'm so lucky to have him. Sounds like you have a keeper too. ;o)

  3. Damn. You are one strong warrior. Thank you for sharing and shedding some light on the prejudice we face as sickies. It takes guts to fight this battle and even more so to expose our stories, so thank you, thank you.

  4. Paleeeeeeze! Lol.

  5. Aww, I know how you feel and feel the same way about my inlaws.. Feelings of not being up to par are not just feelings. We are not up to par. I mean, when my whole life is my job, dancing and bowling and grandkids and enjoying it with my husband and now I can't do any of my favorite things ever but I am just considered lazy by everyone? Really it is hard for them to comprehend. They don't believe you are ill because you do some things. You look normal and well we push ourselves to act normal around family as we don't want to appear sick around people. Hoping soon they will have a magic diagnosis and hopefully a cure to follow.. giving us life again and hope for all families to be happy again about us. What they want is what is best for their son/daughter. Wouldn't you? It is hard times for all can you imagine the other shoes? I guess that is hard as they would never understand what we go through day by day. :( God Bless you and praying for you and your family.

  6. ((((hugs)))))) - it sounds like we have the same Father-in-law!!! Fortunately most of the time I can get out of being in his company and I grin and bear the couple of times a year that I have to be near him.

    Take care xx

  7. In-law relationships are often difficult at the best of times. I feel your pain--none of my in-laws speak to me any more. They're all angry at me for being lazy and not working outside the home. Nothing I do can ever prove I'm not lazy, and I've stopped trying. (And, unlike you, I have a disease that is diagnosed with a blood test--there's no 'faking' that.) And my in-laws are very religious people, too--lay-leaders and ministers and Sunday school teachers. I've not given up on religion, but I've given up on church, because of the way people have treated me because I'm sick and poor. Maybe one day I'll find another place to belong.

    As for having children, none of my in-laws or the people at church could have cared less about mine--apparently, the fact that they'e my kids renders them undeserving of compassion. You'd think that people would feel sorry for them, having such a lazy mother and all, but, no. Fortunately my husband takes the kids to another church now, where they're wanted. And my family is supportive, so at least my kids have a set of grandparents and an aunt.

    And you're lucky your husband was offended.

    I've learned to avoid people whose goal is to convince me that I'm worthless. Not to help me to improve myself, or gently admonish me if I screw up, but to crush me. Maybe your fil will come around in time. Maybe not. Being rejected is painful. But you've done your best to pick yourself up and continue with your life. Good job.

  8. I am glad that your husband stands up to his father. Just because you are sick, doesn't make you a bad person or anything like that. It sounds (from other posts too) that you have a wonderful husband. I sure hope to find one like yours someday.


  9. You are FAR from alone! My "very spiritual" mother who always touted that we're all God's children, no matter what path, now claims that my husband is not only a terrorist, but that he also gave me "this disease that is worse than AIDS." You see, I committed the cardinal sin as the youngest female by getting engaged to a non-Italian man without "permission." Mind you, this is coming from a woman who is also a "progressive" NATURAL HEALER, from deep tissue therapy to acupressure, and when I got Fibromyalgia badly, she turned her back to me completely. She claimed she had it and "cured" it herself - but can't touch me!! Well, he's not a terrorist, thanks, he comes from an all-military family, and we love each other like words don't say... but family, family has been SO destructive that we now believe "Blood makes you related, loyalty makes you family. Blood is a circumstance, loyalty is a choice." I LOVED your acupuncture post, though my one experience with acupuncture was devastating (she opened channels that were NOT ready to let the floodgates open!). The point remains, DIVAS DON'T QUIT. We may be sick, but that forces us to be stronger. We may need more, but with our experience we can understand more. THANK YOU for inspiring me this morning!

  10. Don't waste your precious energy on such people. It is folks like this that send us looking for help from a therapist, and mine told me,and we discuss it in the book, there are different types of people, The Psychotherapist, The Drill Sergeant, Angry Person, The Second Victim (I would put these people in thie category) and a Listening Helpmate. Stick with the later.

    I hate it that your hubby has had to alienate himself from his family, but very proud in deed that he sticks up for you.

    Tyler, you are an uplifting person, you have a great deal to share with others, and you do. These people are not worthy of your time.

    In healing, harmony and hope, Celeste

  11. Sheesh...people! :(
    Yep, being ill shows you peeps true colours. I've lost a lot of friends, but now know who the fabulous ones are and who weren't really friends at all.
    It's a hard and steep learning curve though :(
    Glad you were able to share...we all need to know we're not alone.