Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Leave Me Out!

A few weeks back out of town friends came to visit, a couple we don't get to see that often. They stay with her family who lives here, and my husband and I are friendly with them too. Well the two sisters and their respective husbands got into a bit of an argument. One of those "one too many cocktails" disagreements that really aren't that important, in my opinion. But not to our friends! They turned it into a big to-do, all of them. This spat became over dramatized and threatened to ruin the trip so my husband and I not so gracefully extracted ourselves from the equation and told all four adults they were being lame. Then we watched it turn into quite a struggle, neither party willing to bend or fold. I didn't see them working it out anytime soon. They were both too busy "sitting in right" to appreciate the other's perspective. 

But the day before our friends were scheduled to return home we got the call to come hang out. We thought everything had been worked out between the two. Or else they wouldn't have called us, right? Of course I had already spent my spoons elsewhere and wasn't really up to it, but push I did. From the second we walked in the door a big fat elephant in the room cut the tension with a knife. Truce maybe, but there was no resolution. Just pissed off people stomping around and shooting bad vibes at each other. I didn't even set my purse down before we turned around and left. No thank you!

Of course when we got home I was pissed. I was now upset, spent energy I didn't have and allowed myself to be sucked into an unpleasant situation that could have avoided if I'd thought of, shock gasp, me first. But I didn't, I never do. Why? I really analyzed. I am begrudgingly known for not checking my messages, calling people back or returning texts. Not doing much really to facilitate communication with other people. Learning to not apologize for it took a lot of work, but it's just the way I am now, the post-Fibro me. I realized situations like this one are precisely why. Because when people get an inch of me it takes nothing to make it a mile. A speck of my reciprocation somehow turns into a willingness to fight their battles with them. But I can't do that, I can barely fight my own. I have become reclusive since getting sick and don't enjoy it one bit. I miss having a life. But what a thin line we walk, navigating one more slippery road of chronic illness, living sick in a world of healthy expectation.

Thanks for joining,

*The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino


  1. I too have become a recluse. And yes I hate it. You could not have worded it better. Walking a thin line, navigating one more slippery road of chronic illness, living sick in a world of healthy expectations. When I say I have Fibro/CFS to people it is like I just told them I broke a nail. It is like... SO... I do not think people realize the severity of this illness. It destroys your life. It takes over your physical, mental, and emotional life. I avoid situations of conflict, large crowds, and when I do go somewhere I go alone because I can go at my pace. I know the world of pain and confusion you live in. I live there also.

  2. I have to agree with the above comment - I too know this world. Those who live with me currently do not understand how badly conflict affects us - it saps what little reserve of energy we have and totally sucks you dry. I get overwhlemed in large crowds now - never did before this wonderful condition. I loose tract of where I am, what I have done, and what needs to be done so easily -- I live in a world filled with fibro fog.

  3. Love this post. Thank you for sharing. So timely and so necessary to remember.