Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Fit To Be Tied

Yesterday was not a good day, not a good day at all. I woke up with horrible flu symptoms. A sick taste in my mouth, sore throat, loads of aches and pains and lots of other ickies too. But the worst of all seemed to be my mood. I turned viscous, anger billowing smoke out my ears like a raging bull released from a pen. I tried to override these feelings of hopelessness and despair. I told myself this too will pass, unhappiness is temporary, allowing myself to feel my feelings meant I could then let them go. I didn't believe me, though. The immediacy of my reality was too intense. Trying to distract myself I flipped through some unopened mail. I spotted an unfamiliar letter with curiosity but totally freaked after opening the envelope to discover I had been sent to collections by a medical provider. Oops, my mistake, I forgot about that little thing called a deductible. Ironically I had sent the payment that very morning. So do I have to pay twice? Wow did I get mad! All that misery swallowing up my day found it's pressure release valve. I cried and pounded the desk with my fist. Trying to remind myself I was overreacting was futile. My anguish was unbearable and I thought I'd never calm down. However slowly but surely I did. My tears dried, breathing returned to normal and for the most part, so did my mood. Man do I give mood swings a new name!

Part of the reason I got so upset was this letter opened an old wound. One of those things in life you just have to "get over" because you don't have a choice. A few years back I was making small payments on a big bill for a hospitalization. Then one morning I answered the phone and you betcha it was a collections agent newly assigned to the bill I had been paying down. I received absolutely no notification but the hospital turned my debt over anyway. Well I was furious. I had been violated and I was pissed. Why didn't they tell me this was gonna happen if I didn't cough up thousands in outstanding balance? They claimed to have sent numerous letters and left a number of phone messages, but it was all lies. I demanded proof of action and they stopped communicating with me. I wrote letters to the hospital board and argued my way up the food chain. I can be quite a little pill when I feel my rights have been trampled on. Ultimately it was all for nothing because at the end of my abundant protesting their action stood. Short of getting a lawyer and suing them I had little recourse. Suck it up, sweetheart! This is the game of life. Man was that a tough one to swallow.

There are many times in life justice has not been served but I was too sick to do anything about it. The stress alone so disruptive to my quality of life it was like an assault all on its own. Something may not be fair, right or acceptable but the price of doing something about it is simply too high. Many times I've had no other choice but to "get over" a major injustice in the best interest of my health. They say don't sweat the small stuff, it's all small stuff. Well sometimes it isn't all that small, but by not getting over it, releasing the anger, I make it so much bigger than it could be. Today is better. Lucky for me I don't have the flu and the doctor agreed to accept my payment already sent in the mail. So I guess I can chalk up yesterday as just another Amethyst Monday. If I look on the bright side my week is improving already!

Thanks for joining,


  1. WONDERFUL ARTICLE!!!! I thought this article was me at first, however I never wrote my story of the same gist on my blog. YOU ARE RIGHT, the illness becomes the priority and I had to figure that out. Staying well, leaving stress and letting go of what I would normally be outraged over was a lesson I had to learn over and over. But guess what, I did, and it was after I realized that all I did was make my symptoms worse. I'm so glad I read this and I hope many people who suffer chronic illness/disability, do the same. Our worlds can be made much different in the face of illness, but it does take effort and change on our part.

  2. This is the most self focused blog I have ever read lol. There where 38 "I" 12 "My's" and 3 "Myself's." If you constantly think and dwell about the problem, there is always going to be a problem. When does healing and forgiveness come? Quit blaming everyone. Just saying....

  3. wow Anonymous up there has no idea what we go through! Or the fact that being able to share like this and for us out here to see we are not alone, is probably the only thing to keep us sane.

  4. Dear Anonymous,
    This comment is all about you and for you.
    How dare you come on this blog and comment anything negative about the writer. Who the hell is she supposed to be writing about. If you have Fibro then maybe you are one of the lucky ones that has yet to experience the level of pain that we have to go through because if not you wouldn't be critical at all and be more understanding of how difficult it is handling everyday issues in a lot of pain and noone understanding.
    Obviously, you don't have a blog because being able to put your feelings out on paper and being the voice for so many is a gift that Leah obviously has. Please don't try it for I don't think you'll be successful.
    Diana Rivera Cowan

  5. Dear Diana, I do have Fibromyalgia. But I think I am just going to keep that to myself thank you. These are the kind of blogs that give "US" a bad wrap do to the bad attitude that people with fibro are taking. All I was trying to point out is having an attitude of gratitude so to speak. Not constantly griping and focusing on "Why Me." Do you ever wonder why doctors really treat us like they do? Does it ever cross your mind why the medical profession shuns us? Goodness sakes, all these groups and blogs sound like a bunch of people having a pity party and temper tantrums. I believe that no matter what we go through in life, it is important to be thankful. I believe it is healing to be grateful no matter what it is you are going and joyful always, in all circumstances. Just saying......

    1. Anonymous without the guts to sign your name to your comments:

      So doctors treat patients with a specific illness poorly because the patient population complains? THAT is why? The medical profession shuns us because of bloggers having pity parties and temper tantrums? WOW, didn't know medical care was contingent on a stiff upper lip.

      I think Fibromyalgia awareness and treatment would progress much faster if patients took all the energy they spend bashing each other and focused it on furthering our cause. Just saying...

      And quite frankly I think you are in horrible denial to be "grateful no matter what, and joyful always in all circumstances." So go sit in your denial train and quit reading my blog if it bothers you so much. Nobody is forcing you and you are just annoying. The rest of us would like to feel and process our emotions as a way to better our circumstances and GUESS WHAT? Emotions ain't always pretty. Twerp.

      I will not publish any more of your comments so feel free to stop writing them. Suggestion, go focus on something POSITIVE.


    2. Dear Anonymous,
      I've read your recent comments and I agree with you on many of the points you make. I do believe we should look for the blessings and what we're grateful for each day. Some days, it's harder to find these things to be grateful for than others.

      I've had fibromyalgia most of my life and I keep most of my aches and pains to myself. But, I've learned that's not always a good thing and that it's far better to have a safe place to be able to go and vent....just by saying these troubling things out loud to another person (or typing it out for another person to read) is very theraputic and helps to relieve the stress from within.

      Here's the problem, the symptoms of fibro come on gradually (in most cases) and are seemingly unrelated and unreported until they are profound. When the body is under so much stress (yes, fight or flight) for a long time, this becomes a chronic condition. The Central Nervous System is permanently changed. PERMANENT means just that. We are damaged beyond repair. Oh, we can repair some of the damage but, unless these symptoms are caught early on, this doesn't go away no matter how much you wish it to go away. And it is painful and life-changing...and I mean our entire life is flipped upside down and inside out and is forever changed. I wish it weren't so...but it is. Believe me, I'm an expert on all the traditional and non-traditional treatments. I've dont them all at great cost. Non-traditional therapies have been very helpful as well as talk therapy. I am feeling much better thanks to some very caring professionals outside the mainstream medical system but I am not cured....this does not go away. In some milder cases early on in treatment, it's a possibility it can be subdued.....but once it's chronic, NO.

  6. Dear Anonymus,
    All my Fibro Doctors treat me with respect and actually convinced me I had Fibro for I thought it was only RA so I don't know what you are talking about. If you don't get any respect from the medical community is b/c you are obviously trying not to complain and count your blessings. Well, when I go to the Doctor I'm paying and don't have time to waste on the blessings but only discuss the issues I need help with.
    Good luck to you!
    And thank god I don't have to read your reply!!!!!

  7. OH, that was Diana Cowan!!!