Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Will Myself To Health

Oh I have got it bad. I have got it really bad. You know that phase chronically ill people go through where they decide to stop fighting the illness and start ignoring it, convincing themselves it is not as bad as they are making it out to be? Well, that is what I have right now. I have been going through this for a couple of weeks now. Unfortunately each time I try to "push" through Fibromyalgia I wind up crashing and burning like a helicopter struck by lightening. 

Last week I declared myself a horribly incompetent housewife and decided to change. I cleaned my house from top to bottom again, this time even shampooing the carpets, and vowed to keep it up. I plastered a bitchy note on my front door to remove your shoes before entering my domicile and sprung up like a morning glory every time a dirty dish was ready to go into the dishwasher. I folded and put away laundry when it came out of the dryer, didn't pile it up for weeks to look at and feel guilty about. I did everything a doting homemaker is supposed to, every inch of my being rebelling against me. And then I woke up this morning not wanting to wake up. I had a headache and a sick taste in my mouth. My chest was heavy, throat scratchy and sinuses throbbing. I buried my head under my pillow and mourned.

I don't want to be sick anymore! I am over this already, damnit! I cannot live life this way. I cannot set a schedule or stick to any routine. I can't have a life, accomplish a goal or complete a task. After flogging myself for a while I calmed down. With startling realization it became incredibly clear I am subservient to Fibro, my needs always coming second. This made me mad but also gave me some grace. I have tortured myself enough to know, once again, I am not making this up, blowing it out of proportion or completely delusional. I am seeking out that place of acceptance and peace so necessary to survive living sick. Slowly but surely I am making my way back there. Battle with self number 7,398 completed and behind me. As this has come up before I am sure it will come up again. I just wish me today could tell me then to be nice to myself. That would make this whole cycle so much easier to take.

Thanks for joining,


  1. I'm tired of all the drugs doctors keep pushing on me. All most do is make me dizzy

  2. Leah,

    "I just wish me today could tell me then to be nice to myself."

    Put that on a note on your mirror, your refrigerator, wherever you will see it. Get it laminated for the next time you insist on being so mean to yourself. The house is clean; the house is dirty. And does it really matter unless the city is going to condemn it? If you clean it top to bottom, it will only get dirty again. Pace yourself, be nice to yourself.


  3. Go to a naturopathic doctor, if you are ready to make lifestyle changes. You'll be on all natural herbal supplements that address underlying causes instead of "drugs".


  4. I, too, am sick of being sick. I have done a similar thing by trying to ignore it. It didn't help me either. I do hope tomorrow is a better day for you!


  5. I am with you on this, Leah. Pfft. So glad to read this post!

  6. yes I feel like this a lot more when I need to clean and my apartment is crazy messy but if I do even one thing I'm done for like 2 days. And if I clean the whole place then I'm done for like 2 weeks.

    I agree switching to more natural things helped me more than pills. But it is only for some people and not for all.

    I'm not on any pills now - I gave up. I want to start a family and none of those pills are healthy for a baby.

    One day I hope they find a cure. Or that we can have robots as maids.