Oh I have got it bad. I have got it really bad. You know that phase chronically ill people go through where they decide to stop fighting the illness and start ignoring it, convincing themselves it is not as bad as they are making it out to be? Well, that is what I have right now. I have been going through this for a couple of weeks now. Unfortunately each time I try to "push" through Fibromyalgia I wind up crashing and burning like a helicopter struck by lightening.
Last week I declared myself a horribly incompetent housewife and decided to change. I cleaned my house from top to bottom again, this time even shampooing the carpets, and vowed to keep it up. I plastered a bitchy note on my front door to remove your shoes before entering my domicile and sprung up like a morning glory every time a dirty dish was ready to go into the dishwasher. I folded and put away laundry when it came out of the dryer, didn't pile it up for weeks to look at and feel guilty about. I did everything a doting homemaker is supposed to, every inch of my being rebelling against me. And then I woke up this morning not wanting to wake up. I had a headache and a sick taste in my mouth. My chest was heavy, throat scratchy and sinuses throbbing. I buried my head under my pillow and mourned.
I don't want to be sick anymore! I am over this already, damnit! I cannot live life this way. I cannot set a schedule or stick to any routine. I can't have a life, accomplish a goal or complete a task. After flogging myself for a while I calmed down. With startling realization it became incredibly clear I am subservient to Fibro, my needs always coming second. This made me mad but also gave me some grace. I have tortured myself enough to know, once again, I am not making this up, blowing it out of proportion or completely delusional. I am seeking out that place of acceptance and peace so necessary to survive living sick. Slowly but surely I am making my way back there. Battle with self number 7,398 completed and behind me. As this has come up before I am sure it will come up again. I just wish me today could tell me then to be nice to myself. That would make this whole cycle so much easier to take.
Thanks for joining,