I am not sure when I realized I was not sleeping. I think I
had to start dreaming again to fully understand dream state was a place I
wasn’t visiting. But by then I had all sorts of problems and was completely
coming undone. I could not sleep but was exhausted. Slept ten hours a night
only to wake up more fatigued than when I went to bed. Simultaneously suffering
from insomnia and a REM thirst I could not quench, I was in an awful state of
purgatory. Tylenol PM became my best
friend, but eventually that stopped working. I got a prescription for Ambien and a referral for a sleep study.
I slept with Ambien, enough to not melt into a puddle of mush at my retail job.
But not nearly enough to feel even close to good. Then the sleep study lady was
wont to prescribe me any more of the sleep medication. I begged and pleaded,
explaining I could not work if I could not get rest. My brain was not shutting
off. Why wasn’t she understanding this? But at this point in my life even
working my scaled back job with shortened hours was becoming next to
impossible.
So I went and had myself a good old fashioned breakdown. Had
to cancel the sleep study scheduled for the next night but did find something to
knock me out, Neurontin. It was
originally prescribed by my psychiatrist to calm my over-firing neurotic central
nervous system. It helped with anxiety and sleep and eventually pain, too. But I
did not dream again, really reach the deep stage of sleep where the body
repairs itself and builds immunity and the brain filters it’s subconscious
through strange mashed up images, for a while. It took lots of treatment and
medications.
And then one night I dreamed. It shocked me, for how had I
not realized I was missing them? Things started to fall into place. There may
have been that undiagnosed sleep problem for years, long before I ever felt
symptoms! My poor body had chugged along as best it could without the ability
to repair itself or maintain a healthy immune system. Until it couldn’t anymore.
I spent years sleeping, ten to twelve hours a night. I had a lot to make up for
and although I felt like a zombie who was sleeping my life away, something
worked. My pain let up and never returned to the degree I suffered before
getting lots and lots of sleep and trying different medications and treatments. Now it's plain as Christmas on December 25th when I don’t sleep. I feel
terrible. My mood, my pain, my desire to participate in life. It all tanks.
Before I slept and woke up exhausted. Now, for the most part, I wake up mildly
interested in tackling this thing called life.
Thanks for joining,
Leah
