Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Mood Swing With Me

I have a bone to pick with people who aren't moody. People who wake up in the same smiling mood every day and proceed to go about their business in precisely the same manner as they did the day before. As if nothing's changed. As if it isn't a new day fraught with new challenges and new opportunities and new situations at hand. How is it possible? How has life insulated them from the ups and downs it hurls at so many others? How do they not react when it does? I surmise the non-moody of this world have either suppressed their actual feelings in order to create stability in their own lives or genuinely don't experience shifts in their outlook, perspective, hormones, chemicals, or the bevy of other things that make me go from zero to sixty in 2.2 seconds.

Sometimes I wake up crying: my eyes wet with tears, my heart bursting with anguish, my body riddled with pain. On those days my mood is very different than when I wake up dry-eyed. Sometimes I wake up angry: either I'm pissed off at the world and my inability to fit into it or mad at whatever person did something to drive that point home. If I can contain my anger, which means it's not flare-induced, those are usually rather productive days for me. Nothing fuels my fire faster than fury, that's for sure. But when it's a flare stoking those flames, my efforts at productivity usually leave me scatterbrained and running in fifty directions--rendering me exhausted and utterly useless. And in a rather unhappy mood, seeing as I'm reminded of how little control I have over my own life. Now sometimes I wake up happy. It does actually happen. For a few years I woke up happy most every day. Then I lost my grip on this illness and my happiness went away. Now I'm back to the mixed bag of not knowing what me I'm going to get when I wake up in the morning. It's exhausting.

But back to those non-moody people, which I have clearly established I am not. They have somehow set the standard in society and are really screwing it up for the rest of us. See my moodiness is considered a weakness, a flaw, something I am criticized for. Really, I'm just a human being doing what human beings do--being imperfect. Yet the fact that all I'm doing is feeling my feelings tells me the problem isn't with me. No, I absolutely cannot take out my moodiness on other people. They didn't create my reality and aren't responsible for fixing it. I am. But I've kinda had it. I'm sick of lying when people ask me how I am. I'm sick of telling everyone I'll be fine in order to make them feel better, even though in that moment the world is coming down around me. I'm sick of the expectation that I'm supposed to be smiling and happy at all times, regardless of the flu-like symptoms ravaging my body, or the three hours of half-sleep I got the night before, or the fact that I'm in so much pain I can't move. I'm sick of not being allowed to be sick! My illness is not a dirty little secret. It's my reality and sometimes it pisses me off, makes me feel physically awful, and erodes my desire to engage in life. And I react. I know this is an inconvenient truth to the non-moody of the world, but I also know there are plenty o' moodies out there, just like me. 

Thanks for joining,


  1. Leah, I am right there with you on the moody swing, only I don't show it anymore. I have this "perfect" Mom, the only one who has stood by me, and she is annoyingly non-moody. It's an impossible standard to live up to. Now I'm moving in with her and red flags are flying high. How can I live with this woman who is always calm, peaceful and happy? When I'm often pissed off, cranky and miserable? I've never said that outloud, never voiced how scared I am that she'll be ruined by knowing just how nasty I can be. Why I am so nasty? Because I do not feel good.
    She also does everything that's good for her. Eats right, exercises. Hell she even teaches yoga for free to senior citizens. That's my future roommate.
    I love her with all of my heart which is what scares me most.
    I wonder, how does your husband deal with your moods? Don't know if you read comments, especially because of the one above. But if you have any pointers I'd love to hear them!

    1. Hi Martinigal! Yes I do read comments and delete the annoying! Anyway, I have pretty much established that when I'm sick, I am not a happy and fun person to be around. If that's the expectation, then I choose to spend time by myself doing things that make me feel good, like writing, and when I feel better I am able to re-engage. Sometimes I'm isolated for days, that's just the way it is. It is NEVER okay for me to take out my mood on other people. All it does is create more problems later and alienate those few people who are still in my life. Your mom is most likely in for a big surprise when she realizes how challenging your life is. It will be a big adjustment for both of you. Try and sit down in the beginning and just be honest. Let her know when you are sick you are not fun to be around and prefer to spend time alone. She sounds like she could be a pretty good influence with all that health and stability, so maybe it will be a good change for you. Best of luck friend and thanks for all your support through the years. Cheers! Leah