Tuesday, June 21, 2016

The Luxury of Sick

I've spent the last two week laying around doing nothing. I shouldn't consider it nothing, considering I'm desperately trying to rebuild my health. But instead of saying, "I've spent the last two weeks laying around healing," I fault myself for such a monumental lack of productivity. I feel guilty for not doing the laundry or putting on makeup or going to the grocery store-- things a normal woman my age should do as an afterthought in her thriving, busy life. Yet when I do venture into the land of normal, those simple activities comprise my entire day and usurp all my energy. As I watch my muscles turn to mush and tummy fat muffin-top over my jeans, I wonder if I'll ever be able to return to the gym. And for the love of all things holy, I pray I'll someday gain enough confidence to even glance at the book I bothered to write, let alone try and sell it.

Rebuilding from the splatter of hitting bottom is hard. It wasn't until I accepted, again, that this illness is in control right now, and stopped flipping out about how bad it sucks, that I was even able to stop my decline. It's a daily battle, to be kind to myself, to forgive myself for being sick, to accept the limitations placed on my life. And to remember I've been far worse off before, and it's gonna take some time to improve, but I will eventually get my fibromyalgia managed again. I just don't know when.

Patience is a wicked virtue. Not one I was given in my basket of traits, via either nature or nurture. I'm a driven, competitive, type-A, bossy achiever. When life pushes me, I push back harder. But this does not work with fibromyalgia. I can't "mind over matter" or "action breeds progress" my way out of this one, and Lord knows I've tried! I do know of people who have managed to find peace and happiness while so sick they can barely function. I, my friends, am not one of them. I've tried to be. At times I have been. Right now I'm actually succeeding. But once the pain lifts, and the simple act of showering doesn't wipe me out for three hours, or I wake up with a speck of hope or optimism in my heart, I start racing to the finish line. Well not this time. I'm working hard for every ounce of health I can find, and unwilling to give it away because I want more. No, this time I'm building myself up slowly, gently, generously. I'm respecting where I am, where I've been, and where I want to go. And resting firm in the knowledge that I only begin to heal after I give myself the luxury of being sick.

Thanks for joining,


  1. YAY Leah! I'm so happy to know that you are walking towards peace with Fibromyalgia. It is such a difficult thing. I was a very successful business woman with tons of friends and a very fun and comfortable life....if I only knew that I would lose everything, the money, the house, the friends, well I think I would have savored it more..who knows. Once the crying was done, I read that book that I keep telling you about. How To Be Sick, which talks about all of what you are learning right now. How "what is, is" and how to get comfortable with that. How not to beat yourself up and accept that resting is what your all about now. You've done this before and I believe with all of my heart that you will be back in the gym. But not a minute before you know you are ready. Slowly, gently generously, those words make me so happy for you!

  2. I think slowly is absolutely the right way to go. You can then find out what keeps you stable and what makes you hurt extra or flare and then adjust. I found out you really have to look and feel what your body can do. Big hugs xx

  3. I am so sorry for your battle but I am sure you will win. I have watched my wife over the past six years slowly turn into a person that is home bound. She was the type that worked all the time and was rarely home. Then in 2010 she was hit with everything extreme back pain, fibro, thyroid etc. It is heart breaking to watch especially when you can do almost nothing to help. I recently stumbled across a product that has helped many people with debilitating diseases including fibro. It is a huge blessing. Also just in case it is not for you there is a money back guarantee. I don't want to come across all spamy just want to share the blessing. I pray you find relief as well as all the others out there suffering. Stay strong. Here is the website: http://regen.basicreset.com/

  4. Are you suffering from fibromyalgia? Do you feel tired, depressed and uninspired all the time? This is an immune system problem, which is also inside your brain. You might not be able to accomplish the same things that you did previously. Learn your limits and find a way to live with fibromyalgia.