Thursday, September 17, 2015

Blame It On The Moon

Things aren't exactly stabilizing over here in managed-fibro land. In fact, despite my most determined efforts, my health seems to be rapidly declining. Well maybe that's a bit dramatic, but I'm certainly experiencing a persistent flare-up of symptoms that has me marching down a road I've been down many times before-- leading straight to the land of "too sick to do anything but be sick." I'm canceling plans, calling in sick to work, and trying not to spiral into a panicked fit of paranoid PTSD that this stupid illness nobody understands and no one can cure is taking over my life again!

I mean, it can't! No no no no no! I refuse to let it! I've fought back so hard and won, right? It took me many years to get here, but now that I'm here I own it, don't I? Sadly, as someone who's lived with fibromyalgia for a number of years, I know the answer to all of the above is "wrong." Because the bottom line is at any time, despite my rabid determination or outright refusal, this illness can do whatever the hell it wants whenever it feels like doing it. I can suck down kale juice, pump iron, pop supplements, and practice yoga to my heart's content, but until science and medicine can tell me why I have this disease, let alone how to treat it, all my efforts simply manage my symptoms, they don't cure what's wrong with me. And right now my efforts are failing miserably.  

Clearly, any control I have over my life is really just an illusion. Psychologically accepting this nightmare as my reality almost took me down, a few times. Going through another resurgence of this misery reminds me exactly why I've become what I've become. An alien. How on earth am I supposed to relate to people and their first world problems when I hurt so bad it feels like I'm being crushed into the earth for no explainable reason? All I can really do is gulp massive bottles of acceptance and surrender, because getting uptight, bent out of shape, or pessimistic about my potential outcome will only hasten my downfall. And I'm really focused on the upcoming lunar eclipse. I mean, if a rainstorm is enough to send me into an epic flare, maybe all this misery has something to do with the pull of the sun, earth, and moon falling into perfect alignment? Well, a girl can dream. But only if she can fall asleep.

Thanks for joining,

#sleep #insomnia #chronicillness #chronicpain #fibromyalgia #fibroflare      


  1. Ah Leah, it sounds as though you've been having a tough time of it lately on top of the tough time that is Fibromyalgia-my life. I get it, I really do and it is unfair. Don't give up your battle honey. I know Fibromyalgia takes our body and ouri minds, don't let it destroy your soul. You will get through these flare ups, just as you have in the past. Some days will be a little easier. Just hang in there. Love Sammie x

  2. I understand far to well what you are saying. My diseases are robbing me of my health and I can't do anything about it. I have been in a flare for the last 3 months Stress is a killer My lungs had me on steroids for 6 weeks and my rheumatologist thinks my hashimoto's is driving my fibro into this flare. Then my mother-in-law has been in and out of the hospital. Wow no wonder I hurt. Not to mention the weight gain from the steroids. I have empathy...

  3. The randomness of this is what I struggle with. How could I feel so great yesterday and today I can't function. Seriously I even did a very mild walk and felt great. Now the weather is rainy and muggy and I would like to pull up the covers over my head and cry. I wish someone would figure out what makes us go into a flare. Struggling to work on a bad day is a challenge but most days I can get thru the day knowing that I can go to bed early. I agree we all can't give in to this. I'll keep fighting all the time and hope you will to.

  4. So much love sent your way Leah. Saying a prayer for you right now....

  5. Dear Leah:
    Over your past 3 or 4 posts I've seen you go from a woman trying to function as a "normal" person. Job which requires you to stand on your feet way too long, exhausted you fit in your workout somehow and the flexibility required for "normal" life seemed to be the last straw. You made a huge change to move back to an area where your friends and family are. Then, after recovering (?) from that huge move, you took on a job that is physically exhausting. And you've done an admirable job at trying to keep it all together.
    The reason you were able to decide to make the decision to move was because you dedicated your life to get to "happy". To get to "living well with a chronic illness". And you accomplished that well. That life you created in Arizona gave you the ability to enjoy yourself, to be able to live a good life. Given your incredible efforts you got what most of us dream of.
    Then you took a chance and hats off to you! You tried and it doesn't seem to be working. THAT IS NOT A FAIL! In fact you've learned a very valuable lesson. You now know exactly how to live to be strong and happy. And acceptance is up next. An acceptance reset.
    I feel that there is such a expectation that we be able to do it all and that's just not reasonable.
    I am in a very angry place in my journey towards resetting my acceptance. I HATE it. I hate feeling angry all the time, and I hold on to hope that I will turn the corner towards my new acceptance soon. Because with every change, as big as moving to as little experiencing another heart breaking loss, we have to reset again for acceptance which we know is the only thing that works.
    I am sending you positive energy and am thinking about you. You've been a warrior in this fight, but even warriors need a break sometimes. And once you reset, you'll know just what to do to get your health back on track, you got this!

  6. It helps to blame it on something! Well, for about 2 minutes anyway.