Monday, August 24, 2015

Another Outrageous Reaction

I know myself very well at this point in my life. I know my behaviors, my triggers, my illnesses, and all that is required to make life happen so I can get out of bed in the morning and live it. Believe you me, it's been no easy feat gleaning all this knowledge, but now that I own it, it's mine. So did I expect to totally freak out and work myself into an incorrigible tizzy over last week's blow-up with my boss? Well...I hoped I wouldn't. I mean, nobody can control my reactions to life but me, right? I certainly tried not to, especially once the boils started breaking out on my face and the all-consuming anger signaling a monster flare reared its ugly head. Sadly, in this instance, mind over matter didn't win.

Especially when I woke up "healthy-people" sick. After six nights of little to no sleep, my ability to cope flew out the window. There was no way in hell I could override all the forces pecking at my resolve, so I succumbed. Violent conversations with every employer who's ever wronged me commandeered my consciousness. Fits of rage over how bad it sucks to be a sick woman living in a healthy world consumed me. My peace, my strength, my resolve, my belief that I can conquer whatever life throws my way-- all flew out the window in the face of this relatively minor blip on the radar of getting back to living life. So on Saturday, for the first time since I started work in March, I called in sick. And then I had to go to that damn Sunday morning meeting, where I proceeded to hack and sneeze all over my co-workers, who weren't any happier about being there than I was. Well, maybe a little, considering they aren't both chronically ill and healthy-people sick. 

Today I'm still sick, but getting a grip. As I start to see a glimmer of the strong woman I know I am peeking around the corner, I'm remembering how important life's challenges are for me. They stretch me, they grow me, and they force me to become a better me. They also invigorate my low tolerance for other people's bullshit, which only helps propel me further. In my logical mind, I know it's vitally important this job remain uncomfortable. Not take me down in a spiraling heap of disability, but not foster my natural tendency to settle into complacency, either. I have big goals and ambitions and must be constantly reminded to stay on the path of great resistance, least I never achieve what is in my heart. So I'm choosing to view this whole experience as yet another opportunity to hone my focus. Once I get over this darn flu and can get back to living my life, that is. 

Thanks for joining,


  1. I'm so sorry that you've had the flu, and hope you're getting over that soon.

  2. Just curious, and I'm not sure you answer questions on this blog, but I'm wondering what your bosses reaction was after having the inititial mini blow out, then calling in sick the next day only to show up with the flu the following day at the Sunday meeting. Were you met with compassion, questions, or did she act as if nothing happened. I'm trying to put together a little company for upcycling furniture. God knows I'm in the early stages, but one thing I know is that I'll be dealing with people who may have unreasonable expectations for even a healthy person. I will be upfront of course, but I also understand that problems will arise when working with people on something so personal.
    So if you would be so kind, what was your bosses reaction?
    So sorry you got the flu! I hate how stress affects us. I was forced into buying a used car. I just couldn't manage getting in and out of my old car any longer. Upon finding out what the transfer fees and taxes would be and what my new registration was going to be I freaked out. Talking myself down I could feel the IBS kicking in and, sure enough, I called the insurance company before I let my "wise mind" take over and embarrassingly was in the bathroom the entire time I was on the phone, muting while I did my lamaze breathing through the spasms. It will be a funny story some day, but not today.