Friday, March 6, 2015

The Anger Inside

I accidentally put sunscreen so close under my eyes that my eyelashes picked it up and deposited it in my eyeballs. So I proceeded to squint and blink my way through stinging, blurry vision for most of the morning until I finally started going so crazy I doused my eyes in water. But it was too late. By the time sat down to start writing I was already pissed off and fidgety and distracted. The kernel of anger sitting inside my stomach started pushing anxiety into my limbs. I started obsessing on everything I need to get done, which is a lot. Then I got mad over how late in the day it was and how little I'd already accomplished. This led me to fixate on how many things are wrong with my life, which is ginormous. Next, the bucking panic over the fact that this shattered, shambled semblance of reality is actually my earthly existence started to take over.

It's my daily fork in the road. Or at least every other day, so it seems. I've found if I squash my perception of what's real and intently focus on doing something to improve my circumstances, like writing my book or juicing, I can actually kinda skip over the complete freak-out threatening to suck me down. By now I know the physical symptoms of the flare will come tomorrow. And in a few days I'll once again look out the window of my life to see blue skies and rainbows. Hopefully I can get a few days in before the viscous cycle starts all over again. 

Except if I indulge that anger. That anger is so huge, so all-consuming, so tremendous that if I give it one second of credence it's all I can see, do or feel for days on end. I become so self-destructive to my own life it's actually not an indulgence I'm allowed any longer. I've had two bad flares the last two weeks. After a few months of doing pretty well I have to ask myself what's going on? That's when it hit me. I've been indulging my anger. Accepting that this is indeed my life, and getting to the point where I can ride out this cycle without reacting, is one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's also the only way I've moved my life forward. So I'm taking a deep breath, rejoicing that it's 2 PM, not 4 PM, and focusing all my attention on something that improves my circumstances. After four years, it's high time I finished this book. 

Thanks for joining,
Leah

#fibromyalgia #fibro #chronicillness #chronicpain #anger #coping          

7 comments:

  1. I hear you, girl! "It is what it is."

    ReplyDelete
  2. I usually just read your posts, and not comment, but today I am led to say a few words. I know what it is like to have anger take over, then self pity for my situation and the wretched fibro, then the physical aches, and the depression. I am learning to cope, and try not to get angry,but some times it just gets the best of me. I am a lot older than you, so I am settling in to what is my life. I take each day I'm given, one a a time.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The emotions are harder to wrangle than the physical pain and limitations. Seeing it for what it is and talking yourself down might just be the key. Go slow, deep breaths...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I can so relate to times when I feed my anger instead of starving it. Lately I've been expressing my anger to people (mostly the medical community) who say they care and are going to help and then fall short, or just do not act at all. It feels good to let them know that they have disappointed and how much their laziness or refusing treatment affects me. I feel this is fair and it helps me get it off my chest, deal with it in that moment and move on. The trick is not to let that expression of anger take you to places, especially the past, and unleashing a tsumani which takes over my otherwise sane mind.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm getting more angry by the day - at myself, my conditions and the "what ifs" of my doctor who seems to want to prescribe me every tablet under the sun. I'm so clearly his fibro guinea-pig "What if we try you on....?"

    ReplyDelete
  6. Leah, I just last week started a fibro blog of my own, and today I discovered yours. I have read through it, seen your progress, and discovered that it is beautifully written and illustrated. Every topic you write about is so accurate that I could have written it myself--well, sort of. Congratulations on beautiful work, and good luck in your fibro control progress. After several years and much work, I finally have a grip on mine and I love life again, though of course I do have to be careful and rest.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I found it when I was looking for a different sort of information but I am very interested in the article, It is nice to read such kind of good posts I like your work keep it up!
    Pain Management Chicago

    ReplyDelete