Not only that, but the world is ending, my existence is purposeless, everything is awful and there is no point in trying to make anything better, because it's always going to get horrible again in the end. It's pretty amazing, how quickly I can go from the top of my game to a blithering puddle of wasted humanity. In a sick way, it would be easier if I had a mental illness to credit said breakdown with. Because for the last 12 hours I've indulged more tears, 'woe is me', and desperation than a person should in a year, or at least a month. That big leap of stupid faith I blogged about a few weeks back is taking a wrecking ball to my life. My conscious mind knows my choice to indulge my fear got me here. The self-loathing and damage inside me won't let me stop.
I tell myself life will work out, because it has up to this point, so why would it stop now. I remind myself what I am facing is a walk down 5th Avenue compared to what I've already prevailed over. None of it snaps me out of the pit of despair, though. Because the bottom line is; THIS is the result of my releasing positivity. If I exist outside the realm of looking on the bright side, I slide straight into the depths of hell. And once I'm here, it takes so much fucking work to get back to where I was, I lose days of my life in the process! Which starts the viscous cycle all over again. The one where I believe the sky is falling, world ending, my existence purposeless...
Could I possibly be more fragile? Am I ever going to heal enough to get out of my own way and accomplish life? If a positive, albeit scary, leap of faith forward in life does this to me, what on earth would happen if something bad actually happened? Perish the thought. I've got to find a way to get back on the 'anything is possible' train. The one where what I've endured serves to make me strong, not weak. The one where hard work and positive intention net wonderful results. A world that far exceeds the one I live in today, but is the one I plan on inhabiting tomorrow.
Thanks for joining,