Tuesday, April 15, 2014

I Walk The Line

Some days I don't think I will survive this journey. Today is one of those days. Every effort to rebuild my life seems but a weak, cheap attempt to fool myself into believing things can be different. An endeavor to convince myself I have a modicum of control over my reality. A desperate call to somehow keep putting one foot in front of the other, when really it's pointless, because the tightrope I'm traversing just snapped. What cold, painful reality tells me is there's too much water under the bridge to move forward. Because it's not just water, it's swamp sewage sludge up to my neck I have to not only wade through without getting sucked down, but somehow figure out how to lift myself out of, as well. 

So much pain sits in my past. My reality is a precarious joke. It feels like I spent so much time ignoring the fundamentals of life, because they were so screwed up I couldn't even comprehend them, that the damage to my existence is already done. Most days I am not content to sit by and watch what little I have left slide into the rabbit hole of oblivion. But today I feel like railing against it doesn't do a damn bit of good. Accepting the inevitable seems a much better option. Although, however inspired I may feel to jump off a tall building, given my track record, I probably wouldn't even do that correctly.

Perhaps the most daunting awareness I've come to accept is that sometimes, life doesn't work out. Good things don't come to those who wait, everything doesn't happen for a reason and God certainly gives a person more than they can handle. I don't know how to move forward with no assurances! My entitled, middle class upbringing didn't prepare me for such a harsh world. I look around at my life and have no clue how I got here. So here I sit; bitter, angry, confused, bewildered, insecure and still, somehow, walking on that tightrope that just snapped.

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