Friday, May 10, 2013

One More Layer Of Acceptance

I've been extremely irritated to discover lately I've been extremely irritated. Over everything. Not overwhelmingly or anything, I certainly haven't been ending each day puddled into a sobbing heap like I used to. Thank God. But a few weeks ago I was feeling much more positive about life in general. This week I am plagued with disillusionment and self-doubt. Some soul searching led me to discover a fair amount of these feelings relate to being sick with this quasi-disease sickness some people accept, others laugh at, and nobody can agree on. No foolin'.

Mother's Day is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day. The irony seems bitter to me, considering I don't know exactly what illnesses or disability or near death experience I was supposed to squeeze starting my family between. However I am grateful for the opportunity to celebrate with my own mother, least I forget my blessings and drown in self-pity. I've devoted a significant amount of the last two years to writing a fictional novel that will bring big-time awareness to Fibromyalgia. It's an insurmountable task which has brought me much joy, even if some days I wonder if I am wasting my time. But lately I've been wondering if I am out of my mind. And then there is the nagging question I will never have answered but can't seem to stop asking. If the multitude of medical professionals I sought out in the early phase of this illness would have taken me seriously, and not sent me out the door with a patronizing anti-depressant prescription and pat on the head, would I be disabled today? 

And around my head they whirl. My issues. My goals. My sorrows. My anger. Seriously, dude? Am I going to  go through intermittent phases of this crap forever? It was through talking with my friends who have Fibro I made my peace. Yes, I will. Because the human animal is an animal. The will to survive has created an instinct to persevere at all cost. And living with chronic illness is not a natural state. No matter how much I mentally coach myself to focus on what I have and not what I don't, it would actually be unnatural to never experience periods of restlessness or outrage. I am imprisoned and this is outrageous! Ahhh, I feel much better now. It's amazing what finding an outlet can do for those pent up feelings. So in the spirit of moving past my melancholy I made a date with my mom for Sunday. Just a friendly warning, if you see two crazy ladies in The Fibromyalgia Crusade t-shirts downing a carafe of wine and laughing ourselves silly as we trip through memory lane, well, you found us.

Thanks for joining,

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