Friday, January 25, 2013

Lean On You

For some time now I have been silent. Haven't had much of anything to say in this blog. Nothing inspired, anyway. I feel like I have said it all. Again and again and again. The same thing over and over until I am sick of hearing myself whine. One day up, the next day barely getting out of bed. Hoping for another up day, not knowing how long I will wait. Maybe if I try this or do that or wear magnets on all twenty fingers and toes I can participate with those I know and love in this brutal, viscous, hungry game called life. I got sucked into a pathetic reality show, Secrets Of A Trophy Wife, and stared mesmerized at Kim Kardashian look alikes pumped full of silicone and collagen and botox driving around in Bentleys. It was better than a bad car accident, I just couldn't look away. But for three days after I couldn't do anything but compare myself to them, and the $115 million reasons that separate them from me. I felt like a loser, pathetic, sorry. "But you got sick!" my angel said. "Doesn't matter," the devil spat from my other shoulder. "It's no excuse."

And then I read my friend's blog. Mid way through the sob overtook me. Fat tears rolled down my cheeks as the cleansing and healing experience of knowing someone else lives the same whack ass reality I do quenched my emotional pain. And I got it, why I write this blog. I remembered why it's important to the scope of my life. I remembered that even at my healthiest I shunned Orange County trophy wives with a vengeance. I never wanted to fit in, be one of the crowd, like everyone else. I never wanted to do what I was supposed to do. I just wanted to be me. So why on earth do I care about that now? With a shudder I realized it's because I can't. Even if I wanted to, I can't. And that sucks. Having options taken away from you, even if they are options you never even wanted in the first place.

I have no more grace or dignity with these viruses and conditions sucking the life out of my bones. I have nothing to give and I’m losing the drive to stick it out. I’m angry. I feel the losses every day. Fibromyalgia mocks me. I don’t recognize myself in my behaviors anymore. I’m sullen and sarcastic, morose and private, believing again that I do not deserve to be loved. I've said too many unkind things, exhibited too many harsh tantrums. I've become a shadow. I covet, I yearn, I grieve. I even hate sometimes. How can I be lovable? Girl Interrupted ~ Sleeping Beauty Awake


Thank you my sister for writing my heart. For reminding me why ripping mine open all over the world wide web wasn't such a bad idea after all. And renewing in me the purpose of it all. Survival.



Thanks for joining,
Leah

5 comments:

  1. Now I am crying. What a wretched thing to be bonded over, but bond we sure did. Thank you for sharing your heart on your blog. If anything, know you have reached many. You have reached me. I love you!

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  2. yep, that's what I've been feeling for a while now...the worst is trying to figure out if I'm really that unwell or just lazy and unmotivated. "Pushing through" doesn't serve us well and makes others look and say, "see, you're okay - just keep up your spirits, momentum, moving forward, etc." And when we really can't, still we blame ourselves for that which we cannot control and rub salt in the wound with their words that echo in our heads.
    and when we get to the point of a "good cry"; we bathe in the relief of the emotional pain and the release of endorphins that make us feel at least a little better for all too short a while.

    Thank You, Leah...you have no idea how much I needed to read this entry.
    Peace, Love & Lilacs ~ dmc

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  3. Thanks, Leah. I needed to read it to, because of dealing with very similar thoughts and feelings lately. I appreciate you sharing your heart so that we know we're not alone when our own heart is suffering.
    Peggy

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  4. Thank you Leah for sharing your battles, triumphs and failures. I just started to read your blogs. I understand you've said it over and over again, but this is my first time through. In a word, reading your blogs give me "hope". I have hope that I will have a life someday. I did not have any hope for my future, no dreams anymore. This horrible illness has sucked me dry, it was winning, that is until I found your blogs. I understand being empty and not having anything that feels worthy of sharing. I just want you to know you and your words have given me hope! Thank you sooo much. Please be well and at peace with yourself.

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  5. visited your blog today....been away mysel as i just didnt feel like it...I try to be positive it is the only way I know to try to get through....if i cant help myself maybe i can help somebidy.....knowing we are not alone keep sharing and follow my blo at www.simpleexpression11.blogspot.com

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