Suddenly for some reason my behavior strikes me as completely ridiculous. So absurd in fact I have absolutely no idea who the woman was that did this. This is my flare to flurry pattern. It's a pretty simple routine. I feel okay because I have been sleeping and taking care of myself and exercising and not freaking out over one life trauma or another. So I fly into a flurry to catch up with the life I am supposed to live. The life of a woman with a clean house and her bills up to date, all the laundry done and calls returned not nearly so late. Unfortunately she said her farewell in 2005 but me, the person sitting here writing this right now, I don't think I noticed! I sure haven't acted like it. Because I have expected me to be her but we are not one and the same. Not anymore.
Didn't matter, because in attempting to meld her, the busy, outgoing type-A, with me, the socially estranged, overly-cautious recluse I have become, that type A fought to the top every time. It's comical, in retrospect. In a sick sort of way. So here I run around in a flurry doing everything I am supposed to, in order for me to be pleased with me. And in doing that, in acting like her, I slide right into flare's home plate. Then I feel like a bug who hit a windshield so I focus on ways to make myself feel better. That sleeping and exercising and managing stress thing again. And low and behold there is a God because it works! Slowly but surely the flare will abate, I'll stop feeling like the bones inside me are going to crack or the fiery swirls of chainsaw are whirling around my back.
So there I sit feeling better. What do I do? I look around and the house is a freakin' mess! The dogs need to be groomed, bills paid and oh but don't forget to have dinner made. Calls need to be returned so people don't just write me off forever. And I really do ask myself what the hell is my problem? Why is my life so out of control? Why is it I don't have a job again? Really, I mean really, why do nearly every morning I sleep until ten? And then she steps in... Before I know it I am racing around trying to get everything done at once, good riddance! I am apologizing for every failed expectation and lost stroke of brilliance. I promise myself this time I am going to do better, not succumb to some pesky little illness. And before I know it, oh I think by now you know where this goes, I've gone and done it again, and let the Fibro wall smack me in the nose.
Thanks for joining,