Suddenly for some reason my behavior strikes me as completely ridiculous. So absurd in fact I have absolutely no idea who the woman was that did this. This is my flare to flurry pattern. It's a pretty simple routine. I feel okay because I have been sleeping and taking care of myself and exercising and not freaking out over one life trauma or another. So I fly into a flurry to catch up with the life I am supposed to live. The life of a woman with a clean house and her bills up to date, all the laundry done and calls returned not nearly so late. Unfortunately she said her farewell in 2005 but me, the person sitting here writing this right now, I don't think I noticed! I sure haven't acted like it. Because I have expected me to be her but we are not one and the same. Not anymore.
Didn't matter, because in attempting to meld her, the busy, outgoing type-A, with me, the socially estranged, overly-cautious recluse I have become, that type A fought to the top every time. It's comical, in retrospect. In a sick sort of way. So here I run around in a flurry doing everything I am supposed to, in order for me to be pleased with me. And in doing that, in acting like her, I slide right into flare's home plate. Then I feel like a bug who hit a windshield so I focus on ways to make myself feel better. That sleeping and exercising and managing stress thing again. And low and behold there is a God because it works! Slowly but surely the flare will abate, I'll stop feeling like the bones inside me are going to crack or the fiery swirls of chainsaw are whirling around my back.
So there I sit feeling better. What do I do? I look around and the house is a freakin' mess! The dogs need to be groomed, bills paid and oh but don't forget to have dinner made. Calls need to be returned so people don't just write me off forever. And I really do ask myself what the hell is my problem? Why is my life so out of control? Why is it I don't have a job again? Really, I mean really, why do nearly every morning I sleep until ten? And then she steps in... Before I know it I am racing around trying to get everything done at once, good riddance! I am apologizing for every failed expectation and lost stroke of brilliance. I promise myself this time I am going to do better, not succumb to some pesky little illness. And before I know it, oh I think by now you know where this goes, I've gone and done it again, and let the Fibro wall smack me in the nose.
Thanks for joining,
Leah
Spectacular! I think we all can relate. Completely. Thank you for writing out what we all live.
ReplyDeleteLove and light to you,
Patty
Spectacular! I think we can all relate. Completely. LOL ! Thank you for writing what we all live.
ReplyDeleteLove and light to you,
Patty
We should not use Fibromyalgia to give up on life. I can see where the medical profession would mistake this illness as depression. Maybe it is? But one thing I do know is that being on alot of medication for a long period of time slowly chips away at ones quality of life, where eventually you are left with not being able to get out of bed, or even think straight! Especially with narcotics. But what I believe about Fibromyalgia, is that it prolly has something to do with nutrition or the lack there of. Like the body is deficient of something it needs and this is a way of telling us to take better care. I believe that with the proper nutrients and consistent exercise this illness can be reversed. But that could take a while to do depending on the severity of the illness. Change is hard, but it can be done with patience, persevering, not giving up. I truly believe people get dependant on the medications with this illness therefore leaving them stuck, or in a rut so to speak. Another word "Addicted" where all that is done is doctor shopping for medication because "Nothing works." I'm sorry, but I have heard so many people say that, and they are on enough meds to knock an elephant out. That definitely sounds like addiction, and that in and of itself can make any pain worse.
ReplyDeleteLove your blog. It is so right on. It's been 3 years for me, since Fibro ran me over. And a year since I had to quit working. You explain this disease very well. Thanks for sharing...
ReplyDeleteAnd to the anonymous persons comment, most of us try to not use pain meds. We don't let them control us and we try so hard to not let fibro run our lives. We all wish it didn't. Many of us try everything we can to feel better. Including eating better, taking supplements, etc. Cost is also a factor, as we aren't able to work. There is no addiction there, just trying to live the life we have in front of us.
To Anonymous: You insult me... Most likely you have never been in constant pain or suffer from fibro. You most likely have a wife, friend or know someone who does. The word norcotic... you use like a inconsiderate, uncaring person who has no feeling for anyone but themself. Actullay you remind me of my dad who treated my mom like shit and abused her as she laying in bed sick for years. Talking to his girlfriend as she lay in bed sick in the next room and then when confronted with the fact lied. Telling her if she would just quit taking the meds she would be fine. Did I mention my mom had a serious heart condition/breathin problems/painic attacks because she feared being left alone while sick as he did regularly and she spent as much time in the hospital as at home. Did I mention he abused her and was arrested but she continued to live with him. You remind me of him. My mother passed away Sept 1997 my dad married his girlfriend.... Beautiful Picture but I am leaving that to God to take care of. But I have Fibro/CFS and more and yes I take meds. Unless you have been in so much pain that you can not take your puppy out to potty or are in so much pain that you hang onto the counter top while trying make a cup of coffee and pray for the meds just for ease from the pain you do not know me or my pain. I have been in so much pain that I have prayed to die. I have suffered for over 20 years with this illness and it has progessly gotten worse. The last 6 months I have been in so much pain, using my meds, hot baths, muscle rubs, pain creams, TINS unit, ice pack, heat pads, sitting out in the sun for the heat on my body and every other thing that I could think of. I finally broke over yesterday and went to the doctor for a shot of Toradol and some Toradol pills and today for the first time in 6 months I am out of pain for now, one shot and 1 pill..... I do not doctor shop.....I have 3 doctors, my regular MD, Pain Management, Physharist and all 3 share information on my visits and meds prescribed. I do not discuss my meds I take with strangers, even many family members because they have the same attitude you do. I don't even discuss my pain and condition for the same reason. PITY when your own family has never read an article or tried to find out about your condition. But let something happen to them and they expect you to understand and be there to support them. My younger brother had a major break down almost 2 years ago. I called regularly and was there. Do you think I ever hear from him now that he is well. NO!!! I find that there will always be those who do not approve of the taking of meds for pain but that is my choice and when taken as prescribed there is nothing wrong. I am not ADDICTED......... I may be dependant... on my meds for help in controlling my pain. My choice. There are millions like me in pain out there who are suffering and some can not find a doctor to treat them or to accept that Fibromyalgia is real who have your additude... UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO BARE MY PAIN DON'T JUDGE. I WILL WILLINGLY GIVE IT TO YOU. Then you can live in poverty on disabilty trying to buy quality food to eat and pay your bills......... I do believe that eating healthy and vitamins can help but it is not a cure. Most people living on what I live on are lucky to eat and yes we can get food stamps.... That is a joke, honest people can not get squat......If you are willing to lie and give false information you might could get enought to buy some food.....I am not willing to do that. Jana
ReplyDeleteLeah you post was dead on. I know every feeling of worthlessness and know every thing that you discribed. I live in constant pain and when I have a controlled moment because of my meds I run around like a crazy person trying to do things that I have been unable to do on a daily basics. I have accepted that I will never be able to do things as I should only as my body allows me too. I have been alone since 1988 except for my puppy that I got in 1997 ( my blessing from God) so I do not have a family and I struggle. I feel for people who have husbands and children. I do not know how they manage. My condition has worsened over the past two years and I am currently considering selling and moving closer to my daughter, who also suffers from fibro and numerous other conditions. My life is a daily struggle to take care of myself and my dog. I can not imagine the responsibility of more.
ReplyDeleteMy 'her' most be with yours. I don't recognize the ouching shell that i've come to inhabit
ReplyDeleteLeah, I still find it amazing how you put how I feel into words. Reading your posts lets me know that I'm not alone. My husband gets upset with me because of all the meds I'm on, but he just doesn't understand. He always says,"If you think you're going to be sick, you probably will. It's 95% mind over matter. . .", when I do something to prepare for the pain I know will be there in the morning. I try to ignore him.
ReplyDeleteHowever, reading your post about being so overwhelmed, I couldn't keep from thinking that maybe you could use FlyLady.net. It's for "A" personalities like us to help us take babysteps so we don't get overwhelmed. It's a great system and it has helped me try to get my life in order. It's free and there's no pressure to buy any of her tools (though they are amazing!!!). You may want to take a look and see if it can help. Gosh, I feel like a salesman, but I am so not like that. I don't normally rave about things, but I am working on it and things are a little more organized at home. Check it out an see what you think. I'd love to know.
Living with fibro can be completely overwhelming, and it does feel like a battle between two people. The pain is constant, and relief is so very difficult to find. I hope that with the aid of my book, those who suffer from chronic pain can get together with their doctors and find a pain management technique that works best for them, whether it's medicine, yoga, or some other technique. Just remember on days when it is tough, try to take deep breaths and relax. balance the two sides of you that battle.
ReplyDeleteLeah You Just Told My Story with A Few Changes. I Think it's Like Everyone Says We All Go Through This Change, But I Love The Thought That We Have Places Like This where We Can Come And Tell How We Feel. I Loved Your Story. Thanks for Sharing
ReplyDeleteTake Care,
Yvonne Keller Doolan