Thursday, August 9, 2012

The Blame Game

The other day I was doing dishes and thinking about the 75 million steps in life I have taken to bring the Fibro dragon down. I remembered the scared frightened girl who got sick with something nobody knew much about. I thought about the years of misery, just plain misery, I endured as I searched for the steps to reduce the impact Fibromyalgia had on my life. And then I started laughing. Because I remembered that scared frightened girl had a lot of anger, and a fair amount was directed at my parents. They didn't do anything wrong to deserve it per say, but I still shot blame at them. If Fibromyalgia is genetic or the result of an overdriven personality it was their fault I got sick, not mine. I mean they made me and they raise me so why wouldn't it be? While my bank accounts fell deeper into the red and my anger became larger than itself I decided they should pay my medical bills because they had done something, albeit unwittingly, to cause this horrible illness to invade my life. It wasn't my fault, it was theirs.

Flash forward five years and that thought pattern is precisely why I was standing in my kitchen laughing my head off. Boy you sure have grown up, I thought to myself. Because in the years between blaming the world and getting Fibromyalgia to a manageable place I did precisely that, grew up. It's what allowed me to get control of my life, educate myself and figure out what was going on inside my body. Take action and seek success no matter the sacrifice. Insist on results regardless of how much hard work it took. Oh yes I wanted to give up many times. Still do, on any given day depending on how that day happens to be going. But now the thought of crediting my parents for my problems and expecting them to fix them seems simply preposterous.

Ultimately taking full responsibility for my circumstances, no matter the source or cause, is what's allowed me to prevail and keep going. And still to this day as challenges arise it is picking up that bag of blame and hurling it as far away as possible that forces forward progress. Who on earth cares who's fault it is? What matters is what I do with the difficulties that land in my lap. I can find plenty of people to blame everything on, but what good is that? For me it only incites panic and bitterness. No, I much prefer to take control and deal with things on my terms as I see fit. Life is never short of challenges. From the perspective I have today I believe they are part of what keep us growing, improving and thriving in life. It took serious health problems of epic proportions to break me down and build me back up to this point of view, though. That and the values instilled in me by my parents.

Thanks for joining,


  1. It's always good to take control even though it can be so hard sometimes.

  2. Dear Leah. I need to thank you for your words of strength and hope. You have a gift for writing and a transparency that is admirable through your writing. I have spent the past few days reading everything on your blog. I know that everybody's journey and medication protocol is different, but I am dying to know what finally helped to make your life manageable and to tame the dragon. Can you share what finally helped you gain your life back? I was diagnosed last summer with Fibromyalgia after a shoulder injury/surgery and subsequent bleeding ulcers in esophagus and stomach from pain meds. My system blew "big time". But I had to quit my teaching job and lost my medical benefits. My husband was laid off 3 years ago and works 2 part-time jobs to provide for our family (I get a small Workmans Comp disability check). So, no insurance. I see a great nurse practitioner at our local Indian Health Clinic. She is great, but has no experience with Fibro. She diagnosed me after I brought my symptoms to her attention. Anything that I suggest, she tries for me. But nothing has worked yet...I am started a Functional Restoration program in a month and I can't be on any narcotics to be in the program, so I take no pain meds. I have been trying to get a place in this program for a year now (gotta love the Workmans Comp system in California). I am in agony and wondered if you could suggest anything that has really helped you. I appreciate any help I can get. Thank you. Keep up the good work!! You are hope for me....

  3. Leah, your blog posts are so honest, and so real ... Sometimes just knowing that I'm not alone in this (colorful expletives) struggle ... Thank you.

  4. YES!!! I was just talking with a friend about how I believe I got fibro (emotional stress caused by a failing marriage, led to bacterial infections, emotional breakdown, then pregnancy) She asked me if it made me mad that it started with my husband (we are still together, have worked out our problems and are VERY happy) I admitted that there was a few months when I was first having problems that I did blame him. I held resentment and bitterness, but I prayed for God to take it away and He did! I live in total freedom & don't have the slightest hint of bitterness towards my husband. Circumstances are circumstances and I wouldn't be who I am today without going on the journey I have. :)

  5. Oh Leah, you are truly an inspiration! I love reading your blog. It inspires me to keep writing mine! :-)

  6. Thank you Leah, for yet another inspiring, honest post!
    I'm going through a similar blame phase. Only I'm blaming myself. I know it sounds
    Irrational, but I am consumed with guilt that it is my fault that I am sick. My fault for putting my family through this struggle and stress.
    I wonder if anyone else has had similar feelings?
    This is such an isolating illness! Take care and thank you for
    Your blog!! Amber