As I was complaining to my mom about how disappointed I was on Thursday, returning to the land of the living not going off without a hitch, she challenged me to look at the bigger picture and gave me some perspective. Presenting a pulled-together and professional front may be much harder than I thought it would be, this damn Prednisone taking me over half the time and causing me to act like a complete psycho. Yes, I may be saddened that my study of Spanish is flying in a circular pattern, unable to move forward at the pace I was planning pre-strokes. And I am certainly not thrilled with the gut-gain and puffy face the steroids have cursed me with, but greater things are at work in my life and I had lost that sight with the immediacy of my expectations. She reminded me of what has happened, I have propelled myself forward to my greater purpose, and that is huge! I have opened up my experiences in living, surviving and thriving with Fibromyalgia and have reached out to countless individuals at various stages in their personal journey to join together and make a difference. Through this action I have begun to understand what this disease has done to my life, learned how to count my blessings and renewed a commitment to not be derailed, no matter how many wrenches are thrown in my path. I don't have the faintest idea as to how to begin The Fibromyalgia Crusade, but I have faith as I expand my network that too will become clear.
So no, my days are not perfect, things even suck at times. I am frustrated and over medicated and still dealing with the emotional ramifications of two strokes at age 33, but each day I push through the negative emotion and arise to meet the next morning with renewed expectation. I slowly chip away at that dark, foreboding wall that is Fibromyalgia, a wall that at one time enclosed me but now forms a measly quarter circle. The sunlight is flowing in and I can hear the birds chirping and see the beautiful blue sky, all which were impossible before. So much of surviving this illness for me is pure attitude. I can choose to wallow or choose to ride out the mood swings, knowing this too shall pass. And I have to take that ride. I owe it to myself, my husband, family and friends who have offered amazing unconditional support, and I owe it to you my fellow-Fibrates. For to succumb to Fibromyalgia and come out stronger on the other side is not something to be taken lightly. So if it took a near-death experience, set me back with my personal goals, and the treatment absorbs the better part of a year of my life, at least I can say I am trying and have not given up. But more to the point, something so much bigger than just me is going on here, and only when I put my fear away and simply exist in faith can I even begin to skip down that path of purpose.
Thanks for joining,
This blog was originally published on 9/15/10. In hindsight Prednisone all but erased Fibromyalgia for me. I had energy, passion and was out of pain. Mixed in with a healthy dose of psychosis. Nearly two years later I would still rather deal with Fibro than steroids, even thought I can barely keep my eyes open right now and was laid up for two days this week in pain. Ahhh perspective, blessed perspective.