2011 was a year I was anxious to leave behind. It was
certainly not the worst year of my life or anything, but it came with it’s own
special turmoil and anguish and I really just needed a fresh start. I was so
bogged down in the past. Past behaviors, patterns, hurts. Past reactions,
responses, expectations and disappointments. Sitting in the recesses of my
life, the forefront of my mind, marring my future, in a place I could not reach
because they had already happened. I would get so mad about whatever offense I
was obsessing over, be it a misunderstanding or slight injustice or blatant
injury. A year of stale emotions I cycled through continuously, round and round
like a Ferris wheel. It was exhausting.
At some point it occurred to me I was allowing the infected
past to poison my precious present. And then I got mad about that. So after
many cycles of anger, fighting back as best I could and ultimately getting my
booty kicked, I finally conceded. I could not fight the anger monster anymore.
It was much bigger and stronger than I. But I discovered what I could do, for I
am far smarter than it. I could stop giving it life. I could cease to rise to
it’s occasion. I could rip my brain out of whatever negative thought pattern I
was caught in and ask myself what it had to do with right now. When the answer
was nothing, I could force myself back to right now and change my focus the way
some folks change an uncomfortable subject. Quickly. So I set out on a journey
to chisel those neuropathways in my complicated and sometimes questionable
brain into automatic response.
It takes years, to break a bad habit and replace it with a
good one, in my opinion. I am plenty old enough by now to know practice and
mindfulness are the only ways to get there. And that a new digit at the end of
the calendar year did not mean I had wiped the slate clean and was starting a
new year as a new me. I still had the same problems, hurts and anger. But I
also had a new way to deal with it. Like many things in life that are really
hard to do, it takes making a decision and refusing to give up on it, no matter
how many times life hurls you off track. I got so sick and tired of watching my
blessings pale in comparison to my hardships. I know my puppies will not be
here forever, my youth is at that “beginning to be fleeting” stage and there
are no guarantees tomorrow will come. 2012 is the year I have decided to gift
myself, no longer content to allow right now to slip through my fingers. Right
now is all I have, by returning again and again, to the precious present.
Thanks for joining,
Leah
