I am a yo-yo. One year I am fat, the next I am much better off 30 lbs. lighter. Then something happens, always health related, and I get fat again. Then I will lose a bunch, often health related, only to gain it back again when something else happens. I use food. I abuse food. I allow it to comfort me when I don't feel good. I let it entertain me when I am bored. I welcome its indulgence when I need a reward. I expect it to cheer me up when I am down. I have a deep and complex and well-established relationship with food. It is not just something to satiate hunger, sustain survival, but a lifestyle centered around eating. And watching TV shows about cooking and eating, and executing a social life around eating and drinking. We have taken a raw necessity of human survival, placed all sorts of cultural or religious or social conditions around it, and turned food into a complex placeholder in the execution of our modern day traditions.
I am the fattest I have ever been in my life right now thanks to Prednisone and lack of self-control. I put on my fattest fat pants this morning that I have not worn in a few weeks, freshly laundered and dryer dried of course, and had to squeeeeze into them. I am talking button-popping, muffin top exploding jumping up and down to get them up tight. And today is my official first day off Prednisone after 6 months of crack-headed mania from the wonder drug that saved my life. So what am I going to do about it? I finally have my illusion of control back, but it was never a very disciplined illusion to begin with. How do I set about losing this weight? No diet. Diets you go off of and gain the weight back. No Weight Watchers or Nutri-System or program. Tried them all, done them all. For me they work for only a little while. No, this has to be true and long-lasting, life sustaining weight loss. How do I prioritize diet, exercise and weight loss in the schedule of my life? How do I place it over the pain?
Why have I assumed eating poorly lessens my Fibromyalgia symptoms? For that would be the only rational reason to indulge, when in truth it is quite the opposite. Eating crap makes me feel like crap. But for some reason on the way down, it tastes so good as to momentarily satiate my pain, releasing endorphins that feel good for the moment, but are quickly much worse after. I would relish the opportunity to go on the Master Cleanser but think it a wee bit premature. I have to remember I am a stroke survivor and to be gentle with my body. And then that is why all this extra weight concerns me... Back to the central problem at hand. I know what I should do, which is cut out anything processed, fried, cheese or creamy and get my booty to the gym. Make the right choices and take the emotion out of food. Remove a lifetime of habit of associations. Oh this is a tough one, I am working on here. Maybe its something you gotta take day by day, choice by choice. And if you make the right one 95% of the time you look good and are healthy. But if you want chocolate covered macaroon crust coconut cheesecake covered in coconut cream, OHMYGOD! more than 2x a year, you are gonna have problems.
Thanks for joining,
Leah
