All We Have Is Today

It has been to my absolute irritation and immense frustration ingratitude and negativity have sneaked their way into my heart. My mind tells me to be grateful but my soul is screaming out in mourning. I've been a bit pissy about life, sitting under that all encompassing and life-sucking umbrella of fear. Yes other people have it worse, yet other people have it better too, and that seemed to be all I could focus on. So here I sat wasting my days with bitterness and hopelessness. In the fashion with which I embark on everything in life I got mad at me. Why can't I snap out of this? What good is counting my struggles, not blessings, doing for me? And how do I proceed in life so emotionally worn with no guarantees it won't get any worse? Because I know first hand it can get oh so much worse.

I flipped on the TV yesterday to a movie I have not seen in years, since before I was sick, actually. Born On The 4th Of July. Oh it didn't take me more than 20 minutes to find that gratitude and gratefulness I have been so desperately seeking. I can handle my problems, I thought to myself after watching Tom Cruise try and navigate life in a wheelchair. My problems are mine and I own them. But what the guy whose life the movie was based on struggles with, oh no I could not do that. Slowly the wheels in my head ground to a screeching halt and started turning in a positive direction for a change. I felt my burden lift and the immediacy of my misery vacate. Finally. Well if I would've known this movie would help me so much I would have put it on weeks ago! And still happier I became when I was able to swallow and accept that indeed, any number of catastrophic and horrible things could happen to me on any given day. But not today, not right now, so why am I worrying about a future I cannot control? After trauma hits is when to deal with it, but not today, not in my precious present!

What this whole experience served to show me is the importance of being honest and feeling those feelings, no matter how unpleasant they may be. For if you don't acknowledge them how can you deal with them and move past it? This is a process. A never ending process as we cycle through life with something pretty devastating in its own right. When I started this blog it was with absolute honesty. I ripped open my guts and poured them out. It hasn't always been pretty, or cheerful and uplifting. Quite frankly if that was all I gave I would want to smack myself for being so obnoxious. While I do try and search for silver linings I also have no interest in the fake or forced in life. What you get from me is real. The good, bad and ugly of the ups and downs and sideways progress of a female living with Fibromyalgia.

Thanks for joining,

Leah