Wednesday, June 14, 2017

The Failure of Sick

It has becoming increasingly clear I have outlived my usefulness. Who I am has become intolerable. I'm too emotional, in too much pain, too angry, and contribute nothing positive to the world. I drain the resources of the people who are unfortunate enough to still be stuck with me. Perhaps if I behaved better, or could get a grip on how upset I am over how bad I hurt, I could reclaim some of my purpose. But I can't.

I beat my head against the wall daily trying to find 2015 me. Where the hell did she go? Instead of a vibrant and vital woman who believes she can conquer any obstacle, I'm a shell-shocked, quivering mess of Jell-O who can barely say my own name. But I do not blame the people in my life who have grown so contemptible toward me; I sympathize with them. I am a mess. I am an undesirable person to be around. I have ruined people's lives because I was (insert verb) enough to get sick.

I dream of what it would be like to have an illness somebody believed in. I wonder what it would be like to not have to play court jester every time a flare came up, least anyone be bogged down by how miserable my reality actually is. Some people don't have to be cheerful and upbeat all the time, especially when they feel awful. I can only imagine that must be like the sweet song of freedom, to be able to tend to oneself without failing the world in return.

I actually learned years ago how to ignore my symptoms and pretend what I'm experiencing isn't real. I got so good at it, I walked around for four days after I had a stroke before I had another one and went to the hospital. But something changed. Somewhere along the way I became egomaniacal enough to believe I mattered, my truth mattered, and some doctor out there might be able to do something about it.

Now I know the truth--I am not allowed to be sick. I am not allowed to feel my symptoms and react to them. I am not allowed to try and make myself comfortable to ride out what should be a physical experience, but because of over a decade of psychological damage has become an emotional one. I'm not allowed to show anyone how I truly feel. My existence is bothersome to people, and my problems are my fault anyway for not getting better by now, and I've really screwed up everyone else's plans for their lives...

Please believe I never set out to become this pathetic. I never asked for any of this. I tried, so hard, to mind-over-matter fibromyaliga and rise up above my symptoms in order to achieve life. But that resolve is gone. My hope is dead. My faith is shattered. And I have absolutely no clue how on earth I'm supposed to keep doing this.

Thanks for joining,


  1. i hate the just push through people.there reaches a point when you cant.we have a chronic incurable illness and it should be expected to change our life ,its not weak or giving up its

  2. Leah! I somehow fell off of your subscription list. Was thinking about you today and remembered long enough (lol) to look for you. I'm so glad you are here! You are not a bother to me, I have been inspired by you, seen your strength, seen you stumble and I hate to hear you sound so defeated. I wish I were there to give you some of the strenth I now have. Because I got strength from you so often. And I relate to almost every emotion you are feeling. I have experienced the indifference of those who once loved and supported me who now are just tired of me. And the doctors who have betrayed me, although there is one who never has. And emotions, forget it. I can't talk about anything that matters without crying. Perhaps my strength was best tested 2 weeks ago when my Mom had a cancer scare that is still on going. My sisters decided I should be the one to handle it and I tried. I did handle it, but not as well as they wanted me to so the continue to be disgusted with me. I can't care anymore. I chose me and I can't take care of myself if I'm giving energy to people who don't understand. Perhaps you need to be in this space for a while, but please be easier on yourself. You did not ask to be sick anymore than I did. If you feel it's your fault then it means it's my fault and everyone who has Fibromyalgia is at fault and you know that's not true, right?
    I'm going to try and PM you. I'm not even sure you remember me, but I remember you and I do care!

  3. Not sure why they are saying my name is "unknown". It's Lorraine Calvert.

  4. Thank you! I am in the midst of a flare up and it's nice not to feel alone.

  5. Hi I stumbled upon your blog by chance, and I'm incredibly sorry to hear about how hard your condition has been treating you. I sincerely hope that things become brighter for you... it's okay to reach out for help and to admit that things aren't always okay. And you are screwing up nobody's life, don't be so hard on yourself. Take care.