Thursday, August 11, 2016

Fear of Forty

Last week I officially crested the top of that middle-age hill and am now on the other side. The stress and anxiety I felt during the last weeks of my 30's had me tied up in knots. Turning 40 was such a daunting prospect, especially considering where my life's at, that all I wanted to do was cry. And a few times I did. Like the date on my birth certificate swirled up all the anger and frustration over how little control I have over my life. Then it happened. I turned 40.

Now I'm laughing, because turning 40 is so much worse than being 40! 40 is, actually, glorious. Like the date on my birth certificate allowed me to accept everything about my life, and stop being mad at it. It helps immensely that I'm now getting a string of days between flares, and the flare that just ended yesterday didn't present itself with its usual buckets of anger. Sure I zoned out on yet one more TV series as I distracted my awakening brain with epic amounts of Scorpion Solitaire. What else is a person supposed to do when they're too fatigued to function? But I didn't get mad about the fact that three days of my life are just...gone. 

I just was. Where did this acceptance come from? Where did the anger that's consumed me for months just up and go? My husband reminded me this is how it happens, how I slowly start to stabilize and regain my footing. Funny, because I forgot. I didn't remember what it was like to feel a positive emotion, let alone not dissolve into puddles of anger anytime I felt anything. Whatever this is inside me they call fibro, it's a Beast. And it took the Beast releasing a little of its stronghold for me to remember how complex, dark, and all-consuming the Beast truly is. 

And also for me to remember what a blessed gift acceptance is. For if I accept my reality and work with it, not rail against it, I actually make progress. Eventually that progress is measurable, and I can look behind me and see some distance between me and the Beast's prison. Don't get me wrong, the Beast is still walking beside me, trying to take a swipe out of me anytime it feels like it, but I no longer live in its world. The Beast is living in mine. 

Thanks for joining,


  1. Amazing perspective. As a young woman with fibromyalgia, it is encouraging to see that one won't necessarily succumb to "the beast" after a prolonged battle.tank you for sharing.

  2. I found your post inspiring and i am glad that "the beast" we all know as Fibro has loosened its grip. Acceptance is the way forward but the battle that leads up to it is a tough one to face. Thank you for sharing :)

    1. I absolutely hate my disease and everyday used to be a battle to get out of bed.I've tried everything and it all came down to diet and yoga. The yoga to increase my pain threshold and to stretch out those joints and tendon. The diet I found in the form of a book at this website: . The only way to start beating fibro is with knowledge. Hope this has helped

    2. I have to tell you abou this. Ill be 62 in june. I have a friend a few years older than me that has found great remedies for different illnesses in her life that have actually worked. This one does. Dont know if Incan post a pic here, but she told me about using Mucinex with guaifenesin for fibromalgia. I bought the dollar general store brand of fast acting mucinex relief. It works! You will start feeling better after your 2nd dose;at least I have. It also relieves the fatigue. Im not in the medical field. Just letti g others know what I have found. Look guafenesin up for fibromyalgia. Big article on it. But it can take 2 to 3 days to really show a change. Lyrica was not working. This is a god-send to me.

  3. After suffering for years and then finally getting a diagnosis in 2014, I'm already in my 40s but just learning how my beast operates. Thank you for this fresh perspective. I'm happy to know that there is a way to "live" with it. I mean really live. Not just exist. I still have a way to go.

  4. Have not heard from you in a while now. How is it going, still making progress? Hope so, as we all know what the "holiday season"can do to us!! Please let us know.

  5. HAHA.....funny how those dates seem to really mess with us. Mine was 28....such an odd one. It was that yr cause that is the yr I started worrying about 30 coming up around the corner. When 30 got there, I was over it all! Now at 57 I just worry about getting OLD.