I'm so angry at my motivation today. Hanging in this strange balance between sick and capable is overwhelmingly challenging. One minute I feel optimistic, and like I can accomplish anything. The next I'm befuddled by how much work is required to simply NOT be sick. So I drown my anxiety in a distraction, where not only do I accomplish nothing, I get further behind on life's responsibilities. I've been on an upswing for long enough now, certain patterns are starting to reveal themselves. The biggest of all; if I skip my kale-rich fruit/veggie juice for more than one day, I flare. Big time. The 'getting the flu-don't want to get out of bed-life seems hopeless' kind of flare, which is always accompanied by an odd symptom or two. Things like bad mental fog and confusion, or feeling like my bra is made of sharp wire cutting into my flesh.
Now, if I stay on the juicing bandwagon, I feel good. Really good. The 'haven't felt this good since I got sick' kind of good. Life seems not only possible, but conquerable. I may even run around declaring how mind-over-matter and determination inject me with positive power! Seeing as there are so many wonderful things to do when one feels so good, the LAST thing I want to do is stand in my kitchen for two hours and juice. So maybe I skip a day, and then get busy the next, and then I start to not feel so good, so maybe another day bites the dust, and before I know it...FLARE!
What a problem to have! I would've killed for this problem, at pretty much any point over the last eight years. Shock and awe, I finally have some control in my life! It's a powerful feeling. And exactly why I'm sitting here irritated with myself, for having just done the devil's dance straight to flare-ville for the umpteenth time. If life has taught me anything, it's the importance of the balance of living for today, while planning for tomorrow. Counting my blessings, and then looking for more, not weeping over the heartache behind me. And the profound realization that change is really only one mind-shift, and a hell of a lota hard work, away.
Thanks for joining,
Leah
