Sunday, June 30, 2013

Just Another Day...

Last week I lowered my life-changing expectations to what I felt was moderate. The goal was to maintain some of the good habits I tried to adapt with sweeping precision a few weeks before. I tried, I really did, to hang in there. Made the bed every day, got up early to exercise a couple of times, cooked dinner every night. Things in my right mind I believe should already be happening. By Thursday I was a complete wreck. I couldn't sleep the night before so didn't wake up until 9am. It was 91 degrees outside. Thinking I could sneak in a quick walk before the heat became stifling we scurried around the block. I even came home and did yoga. Boy was I draggin', but when I went to bathe I couldn't because the water had been shut off. A broken pipe sorely lacking in prior notice. So I kinda freaked out and became negative and cross. I mean I was already on the border, but this pushed me into full-on grouchy.

After brushing my teeth and washing my face with bottled water I attempted to leave for a doctor appointment. But my husband took my car keys to work with him so I couldn't. Now I had two choices, cry or laugh. I wailed. Wah-wha-wah. I contemplated laughing, I really did, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. He raced home to give me the keys, luckily only working a few miles from where we live. And of course, because this is just the kind of day it is, navigation had me going in circles around the doctors office for a good ten minutes. I have absolutely no idea how I made my appointment on time. It would have been SO helpful had they put their name on the door! Obviously at this point I realize it's me, not the world at large. My bad mood radiated energy force fields so strong it turned into a bad day!

I finally found the space to laugh and cheerfully told the nurse I was at the dermatologist so they could tell me I don't have skin cancer on a mysterious spot on my ear. And I'll be darned, I don't! Thank God, I finally had something good to hang onto. But by the time I got home I felt terrible. My negativity had been diffused, but good ol' Fibro was in full control. That predictable broad is never late to the party, is she? So here I sit three days later starting to come out of the monster flare that made me hurt so bad I couldn't wear a bra. Reminding myself how hard change is, how hard existing is. But improving my life is possible. Slow and hard, everything just takes four times as long as anyone thinks it should. Especially me.

Thanks for joining,