Saturday, July 30, 2016

A Different Me

This week the flare hit so hard I didn't know what was happening to me. All I could feel was more anguish and desolation than I could bear. The why's of life started swirling around my mind again, their utter uselessness distracting me with the unfairness of it all. I seethed hatred and anger at my life, the consequences of my existence, and mostly the prison my health has left me in. That was Monday and Tuesday. Miraculously on Tuesday night I slept, which was but a pipe dream the two nights before. On Wednesday I woke up and felt, dare I say it...human? Every inch of my body didn't hurt and I didn't want to hurl myself off the nearest bridge. Victory!

That's when I realized I'm getting better. See that flare state I just described above was my continuous reality for months...and months...and months. I've known for a few weeks now I was stabilizing, that all my juicing and resting and exercising was starting to right the broken-down vessel that is my ship. But I didn't realize how much I'd improved until I was thrust back into the netherworld of constant and pervasive fibromyalgia. 

So slowly I turn my sights forward. Gently I can start to reclaim the small parts of myself I had to bury deep inside to survive my last relapse. But my natural tendency is to race full-speed ahead to replace everything I lost. Quickly, like the less time my life is missing from my life, the more I can deny it was ever gone. But I built my house on sand before. Sure I may have physically managed my fibromyalgia, but inside I was still broken and flogging myself for allowing such a predicament in the first place. I was in so much emotional pain when I embarked on my fitness journey in 2013, all I could do was shove it all aside, plaster a smile on my face, and pretend it was real.

Somehow I have to figure out a way to do better this time. A way to stop pretending and make it real. Lasting and authentic. I've been given an 86th chance. So many patients never figure out a way to improve their symptoms so they can improve their lives. I have. But my greed and impatience in wanting my "healthy" life back fooled me into believing I could just push my way into it. I can't. I'm a different me, something I've accepted in the past but its never really stuck. But it's really about time it stuck.

Thanks for joining,


  1. Damn human nature! Getting it to stick is really the most difficult part. Remembering I'm not the Lorraine I was, but a different Lorraine. Duplicitous only in that I truly am the same person I was born, everything about me has had to change. I struggle more with what others think of me than you do, and they are so quick to give me a dig at the slightest opening, so for me, the thing I need to "stick" is to forget about them and believe in me. That I do know how best to move forward everyday and that I have nothing to prove to anyone. Not to let the haters and misinformed matter. It's a day to day struggle. xoxo

  2. I empathize and identify with your struggles! For more years than I can remember I suffered with painful, chronic, debilitating fibro. It is sooo hard to see life as you knew it disappearing inch by inch. No matter what I tried I only got worse. Finally I did find the help I so desperately needed. It took work but I did fight my way back and have been in remission for nearly 16 years. Never give up! Don't beat yourself up and ignore the naysayers who doubt the very existence of this horrid disease. Love and blessings in your journey to wellness!

  3. Wow! Why is life so hard for some of us? I struggle with that and then I turn around and see someone like you rising above and making your life remarkable.Please feel free to visit my page I question my pain and my faith at times. I am in a constant state of acceptance/ struggle. I know you can relate.Have a great day.

  4. After 12 years of continual flare, I'm finally stabilizing, too. For me, I think I have just figured out how to manage this thing each day. I also found out I am hypoglycemic (non-diabetic) and that answers a lot of my symptoms. Trying to learn how to manage that by forcing myself to eat breakfast and between-meal snacks. For so many of us women, we have been taught to cut calories and skip meals and don't snack. Turns out, that was hurting my body! Who knew? I shared your post on my FB page Fibroworks. Hope you don't mind! I love your posts!

  5. I am so sorry to hear of how you have been feeling overwhelmed with all of your thoughts and life in general. It can be very easy to get hit with everything and let your mind race away with those kinds of thoughts. Remember that it is important that you take care of yourself both physically and mentally. I hope it gets better!

    William Connors @ The Healing Station

  6. Life can be so rough and overwhelming, but I am glad you are still working through it. It’s good to know that you are starting to feel better. Just think positive and make sure you get plenty of rest and exercise. Life can be unfair sometimes but you can make the most of it. Keep pushing on and everything will be just fine!

    Agnes Lawson @ Pain Relief Experts

  7. I haven't been diagnosed yet but for the past three months I have been in constant pain, have constant fatigue and nausea, numbness that comes and goes in arms and face, calf cramps. Even though I sleep really good I am in a constant stage of fighting fatigue. All my labs and brain MRI have come back negative. This sounds like fibromyalgia to me...all of these symptoms are constant. Does this sound familiar to anyone. I guess I am just looking to vent get some sort of confirmation that I'm not going "crazy". Thank you!

  8. I have the same symptoms. I have an appt with a rheumatologist next week. What was your outcome? I hope you're well.