I just sent the email informing my company I can no longer work for them, retail being too demanding and stressful on this worn-out young body! I also dropped my Spanish class last week, the easy conversation class, because it was all too much. Trying to pick-up where I left off pre-strokes was simply not working. I have survived each day since coming home from the hospital marveling that I am alive and intact. The absurdity of racing around a department store slangin' lipstick or dragging my unstable Prednisone whacked self to night-class every week was not lost on me. Part of me is incredibly sad. I was making wonderful progress in managing my Fibromyalgia before the strokes; working a lot more, much more active with much less pain, defining my career goals and planning on pursuing my Masters Degree. Hell, we even rescued baby girl Porkie because the Yorkie was left alone too much and was starting to pout and make me feel oh so guilty. I had fought with all my might for years and climbed nearly 3/4 the way out of that scary, deep hole I was hurtled into when my world came crashing down around me in 2006. And then the strokes came at the tail end of July and threw me right back down that narrow, cold tunnel of darkness again. There is part of me that is pissed off but there is also part of me that knows since I have done it before, I will do it again. I will rebuild my life, and this time not simply to get back what I lost. Oh no, I believe the plans in my future are far greater then even I could have ever imagined.
Could the strokes have been a cleansing, some sort of re-birth? Somehow this time this health crisis feels different. It's as though if I sit back and allow it (and only if I truly surrender power and control over my life) there is a beautiful, soft, luminescent, radiant light lifting me up and out of the well of darkness entirely. All I know is that by the skin of my teeth and the grace of God I am alive right now, let alone not feeble in mind or body. My life was spared for a purpose much greater than just me. It is clinging to this belief that is getting me through such uncertainty. It is knowing I have reached out to others with similar health woes and have touched their lives, brought some strength, light, laughter, determination, hope or perspective to their pain and confusion. I have helped their loved ones understand a little bit more about what they are going through. I have opened up my heart and soul on the pages of this blog and have been blessed abundantly in return by each comment, each person that affirms I may have assisted the endurance of yet another day in some small way. It is knowing I have a tale to tell to inspire others to weave together their own story of survival and success. It is knowing I have surrendered my power, my control over my life and am willing to be used for the purpose I was created for. That is what is keeping me going. So for the first time since I was 15 years old I am without employment. In a fabulous economy, to boot, accompanied by a MOUNTAIN of debt. And it feels strangely exhilarating as I, truly and honestly for the first time ever, walk in faith not fear into my uncharted future...
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